Kidzdoc Strives for Insanity in 2024 (2)

I did say that I wanted to seek insanity this year, so that I could achieve my typically insane reading goals. I did not realize that last week's new diagnosis of bipolar disorder might be a quicker method to be declared insane.

Hi, everyone! I'm Darryl, a longtime member of both LibraryThing and Club Read, and I now live in a nearby suburb of Philadelphia. I worked as a pediatric hospitalist in Atlanta, a pediatrician who cares for hospitalized children, from August 2000 until late November 2021, as my father became critically ill that month and died a few days later. Since that time I have served as my mother's primary caregiver, as she has vascular dementia and can no longer care for herself. The year 2023 was a very difficult one for both of us, as she fell at home in early December, sustained a rupture of her right eye, and, at the moment, has little or no vision in her injured eye. I had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, suicidal ideation, and generalized anxiety disorder late last spring, which was uncovered during the stress of caring for my mother with little support. My mental health did improve with medications and support from my amazing psychiatrist and psychotherapist, but in late January I had my first episode of mania, and on the first Saturday of February I had a very frightening psychotic episode, with auditory and visual hallucinations, mania, and delusional beliefs. I saw my psychiatrist the following week, and she diagnosed me with severe bipolar I (manic-depressive) disorder with psychotic features; as far as I know there is no family history of serious mental illness, and at this early point where I'm just starting to really learn about bipolar disorder I would assume that a combination of genetic susceptibility (even though I yet don't know of any family members who have bipolar disorder) and extreme stress combined to lead me to develop this, or perhaps a manic disorder that doesn't meet the exact clinical criteria for bipolar I disorder.

I'm the administrator of the Booker Prize Group in LibraryThing, at least for the time being, and La Cucina (The Kitchen) in Club Read.

Currently reading:

    

Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate by Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC
What I'd Rather Not Think About by Jente Posthuma
Black AF History: The Un-whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriott

January:
1. The House of Doors by Tan Twan Eng
2. The Upcycled Self: A Memoir on the Art of Becoming Who We Are by Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter
3. The Hundred Years' War on Palestine: A History of Settler Colonialism and Resistance, 1917-2017 by Rashid Khalidi

February:

March:
4. An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison

April:
5. Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones, 4th Edition by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD
6. The Details by Ia Genberg

The African Diaspora: Fiction and Poetry

The African Diaspora: Nonfiction

The Upcycled Self: A Memoir on the Art of Becoming Who We Are by Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter

2024 International Booker Prize Longlist:
The Details by Ia Genberg

2024 Booker Prize Longlist: TBA

Dignidad Literaria: Literature and Nonfiction by Authentic Latinx Writers

Medicine, Illness, Public Health and Science

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison
Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones, 4th Edition by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD

Politics & Current Affairs

The Hundred Years' War on Palestine: A History of Settler Colonialism and Resistance, 1917-2017 by Rashid Khalidi

This thread is officially open for business!

Happy new thread, Daryl!

>11 RidgewayGirl: Happy new thread, and happy to see you here.

Starred...and sitting in the front seat! Thanks for posting the link to La Cucina!

A fresh start... always a good feeling.

Just parking my star here!

Here's to a new thread and a happier, healthier you!!

Happy new thread, and best wishes for a healthy second quarter of the year.

Happy new thread, Darryl. You missed me back in the last thread but I will copy and paste my short message here because I want you to see it:

Adding my hugs and support to the pile. Also, and you probably already know this but knowledge is power. You now know and have had some time to digest this new knowledge. Just try to treat yourself with same kindness and love and patience that you would treat your patients or any other friends or family. You deserve no less.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a diagnosis, not a death sentence. You will get treatment and carry on with your life. My current situation differs from yours in several of the nitty gritty details but there are enough similarities that I can totally feel your sense of overwhelm. We each deal with this in our own ways, often not knowing how, until we're in the middle of it, how that will shake out. Writing has always helped me sort out feelings (and express myself in ways I can edit or change, before they leave my mouth, for example). I am pleased to hear that you will (or already have) start a journal. I believe that will help you a lot. The journal is for YOU, private, remember that. You are not obligated to share it with anyone if you don't want to. And I would agree with whoever said this on your last thread: be very careful of sharing too much on social media. I do believe LT is a safe place, in your own thread, but I would not trust facebook ever. Far too public.

{{hugs}}

Happy new thread from me, too. I'm glad you feel like this is a safe place to share your life and your struggles, and I'm glad this is all of some comfort and use to you.

Happy new thread. I think of you every day and wish you lots of strength and courage. I am convinced that you will get through this, even if it doesn't look like it at the moment.

>4 kidzdoc: I hadn’t been a follower of the International Booker but am about to become one, having started readingThe Discomfort of Evening - winner of that 2020 prize. It’s a remarkable debut novel told from the pov of a 12 year old girl in a repressive family who lives on a farm in the Netherlands. Not an easy read but a worthwhile one.

I look forward to your announcement of this year’s long list.

>5 kidzdoc: I am not sure if you are aware of it but The University of Arizona Press has a pretty decent Latinx series: https://uapress.arizona.edu/series/cds which spans all genres and types of literature.

Happy New Thread! :)

>21 AnnieMod: And Rasdhar brought Charco Press to my attention.

"Charco means 'puddle' in Spanish. It is also a colloquialism used in some Latin American countries to refer to the Atlantic Ocean. Therefore, cruzar el charco means 'crossing the puddle' and is a way of referring to when someone is going overseas, or travelling between continents.

Charco Press was born from a desire to do something a little out of the ordinary. To bring you, the reader, books from a different part of the world. Outstanding books. Books you want to read. Maybe even books you need to read...

In short: the very best of contemporary Latin American literature. Brought to you in English translation for the first time."

Happy new thread Darryl! It's good to see you posting updates here; I hope that sharing here and writing a journal will help you to process your diagnosis and find a way forward. Look at all these people here who are rooting for you!

Happy new thread!

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis. My cousin has been diagnosed with the same disorder ( about 15 years ago). It is a challenge but with the right team around her, she is able to manage well. Sorry to hear about your brother. Family can be quite frustrating sometimes! ( ( Hugs))

Hi Darryl! I don't think we've crossed paths yet here on LT, although we've both been on here for ages. I just wanted to say thank you for your courage in sharing your situation. As folks have said, knowledge is power. I have "major depressive disorder, severe, recurrent", which was diagnosed in 2016. It took some years to dig myself out of that, but with psychiatric care, medication, and regular therapy, I have finally made peace with myself and this disease.

As it happens, I'm also in the medical field, as a librarian in a medical school library. I love my work, and I'm fortunate to have had employers who supported me throughout my multiple hospitalizations.

Happy reading and all best wishes for 2024!

(P.S. I'm originally from New Jersey, although I've lived on all 4 edges of the U.S. (Jersey, North Dakota, California, and Texas). I'm now in North Carolina. But go Phillies and Eagles!)

I thought i better post so you don’t feel too lonely here. 🙂

>4 kidzdoc: >19 Ameise1: the international booker is not in my plan, but I’m myself really interested this year. Might force some in.

Thanks, tangledthread, Kay, Madeline, Lisa, avidmom, Kim and Beth!

>17 jessibud2: Thanks, Shelley. I certainly did miss your message, so I'm glad that you posted it again.

I still haven't found time to read the journal articles about bipolar disorder — I've been incredibly busy, and productive, this week, and I haven't read anything not even a full page in either of the books I'm currently working on — but I do feel much more comfortable about the good course of the diagnosis, after talking with friends who either have it or have a loved one or close friends who does. If I haven't said so already, one of the major problems with taking care of sick kids (or adults for that matter) in the hospital is that you get a very skewed view of certain conditions. For example, every young child diagnosed with acute leukemia has a difficult course marked with frequent hospitalizations and treatment failures, when that is not the case for nearly 90% of kids who fall into a favorable category (e.g., kids 1-10 years of age, pre-B cell ALL, or acute lymphoblastic leukemia is good; kids less than 1 or older than 10, or ones with AML, acute myelodyplastic leukemia, is bad). From an intellectual standpoint I know that kids with leukemia, taken as a whole, are far more likely to be cured and to not experience a complicated treatment regimen, is the norm; however, when you see suffering hospitalized kids with your own eyes it can't help but affect your judgment, or fears.

This is a diagnosis, not a death sentence. You will get treatment and carry on with your life…Writing has always helped me sort out feelings (and express myself in ways I can edit or change, before they leave my mouth, for example). I am pleased to hear that you will (or already have) start a journal. I believe that will help you a lot. The journal is for YOU, private, remember that.

Well said, Shelley. My psychotherapist had encouraged me to create a personal journal last year, before my psychotic break, and I had purchased one of them to begin doing so. I didn't have much to say at that time, or at I didn't think I did, so I put that idea on the back burner. However, the two manic episodes I had, although with the lengthy thoughts I’ve expressed here recently, have made me realize that I absolutely want, and need, to do so. I’ll start documenting the thoughts I’ve already written down this weekend, and I went so far as to purchase a private safe so that I’m assured complete absence from the prying eyes of others.

I have been selective on what I’ve been sharing on social media, and only with people who I feel certain will respect my privacy and not use my words to harm me in any way. I have openly discussed what’s been going on with me here on LibraryThing, but I haven’t been doing that on other forms of social media. The benefit of sharing information privately with close friends, particularly my fellow physicians, is that I’ve received a wealth of practical solutions that I had never heard of nor considered before.

>27 kidzdoc: - Good to hear this, Darryl. Just remember to breathe, and to put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, one step at a time. I believe that if you pace yourself, you will get through this as you have got through so many other traumas or difficulties in life. It's what we need to do (now, if I could only take my own advice, lol)

>18 rocketjk: Thanks, Jerry. I certainly feel safe disclosing my personal life and my problems with it in Club Read; however, I was reminded in the past few days that doing so in other LT groups I used to belong to is not the case any longer. As long as I feel safe here I don’t care about those other groups, though. Fortunately I was able to find a comfortable landing space here in short order; if that wasn't the case I probably would have left LibraryThing altogether.

>19 Ameise1: Thanks, Barbara. I saw my amazing psychotherapist this morning, and during our conversation we both realized how much progress I had made since I saw her last Friday. As a said to her, “poco a poco,” which is Spanish for “little by little.” Victoria was born in Colombia, so both of us comfortably speak English and Spanish.

>20 kjuliff: I loved The Discomfort of Evening, Kate, and I eagerly look forward to reading Marieke Lucas Rijneveld’s second novel.

The 2024 International Booker Prize longlist will be announced in March, so we won't have long to wait to learn the judges’ favorite titles.

>21 AnnieMod: Thanks, Annie! I was not aware of the Latinx series published by the U of A; I’ll peruse that list over the weekend.

>22 labfs39: Thanks for the reminder about Charco Press, Lisa (and Rasdhar's)! I have heard of this press, and purchased a couple of their books, but I had forgotten about their offerings for the past year or two. I’ve done very poorly in my #DignidadLiteraria challenge, which was meant to highlight what I consider to be authentic Latinx voices instead of a certain fake ass writer who claims to be Latina for her own financial benefit. (I won't name the author I’m referring to, but I strongly suspect that I don't need to.)

>29 kidzdoc: I'm glad you are finding your feet again, Darryl. And while I in no way want to diminish how challenging the various elements of the disease, you do remain yourself. And I'm so pleased to have you for a friend.

I just finished The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store by James McBride, so if you're in the mood for something positive by a fantastic storyteller, this is the book. And it's set in a fictional town outside of Philadelphia.

>23 Sakerfalcon: Hi, Claire! I thank you for your support and concern in our non-LibraryThing communications over the past two weeks. I feel much less scared about this diagnosis, and far more confident that I’ll get through this with minimal or no difficulty.

>24 figsfromthistle: Thanks, Anita! I’m sorry to hear that your cousin was given the same diagnosis as me, but I’m glad that she is doing well.

I’m in the process of reordering my priorities and support systems, to reflect the people who I can truly rely on when I need them, whether they are family or not, and whether they live in the immediate neighborhood or, in the case of my dear friend Erin from Atlanta, 800 miles away. There is no point of listing someone as an emergency contact if they won't lift a finger to help you; I've learned that there is a difference between close neighbors, and true friends.

>25 amysisson: Hi, Amy! I agree, I don't think we've ever interacted, but your username is familiar to me, and I’m glad to make your acquaintance.

I’m sorry that you also carry the diagnosis of major depressive disorder, but I’m happy that you're doing so much better. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder do you have any idea whether a person can be reclassified as having depression or not?

I absolutely love my psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who are employed by Capital Health, a relatively small healthcare organization considering the size of Philadelphia and its suburbs; it serves Mercer County, NJ (Trenton and Princeton), and Bucks County, PA (Doylestown and New Hope), where I live. I feel very well and professionally cared for by my psychiatric team, and although I’m paying for them out of pocket, due to a glitch with my health care plan, I wouldn't dream of exchanging them for a team that my plan will cover.

I relied heavily on our medical school librarians when I was a student at Pitt in the mid to late 1990s, especially when my ability to conduct research for courses was shamefully low.

North Carolina is high on the list of places I would be happy to retire to, along with central NJ, Chicago (brr) and Pittsburgh. I hope that you find it as enjoyable to live in NC as I did during my infrequent visits there.

I’ll have to see if you have a “group home” on LibraryThing, as we clearly have a lot in common.

>26 dchaikin: Ha! Loneliness is now the least of my problems, Dan, although I certainly felt that way two Fridays ago. I suppose it's human nature to assume that things are going well with those close to us unless they tell us otherwise, and that certainly was the case for me, save for a tiny number of my closest friends, one of whom was able to see that I was in trouble almost immediately, and made sure, from a great distance, that I was okay before she was able to relax and sob with relief. Since she was able to communicate with my psychiatrist, on a professional and personal basis, she will now be on of my emergency contacts, even though she isn't a family member and lives a long way away.

One of my favorite, and most applicable, quotes is this one:

“Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.”

I’ll definitely have my antennae up when this year's International Booker Prize longlist is announced, and I’ll make mention of it here ASAP.

>29 kidzdoc: I have a pre-order on Lucas Rijneveld’s My Heavenly Favorite on Audible and it’ll be available early March. I thought it was brilliant, and tried to read another International Booker winner - Kang Han’s Vegetarian but it didn’t work for me in audio. I’ve noticed the International Booker has quite a few dark novels. I recently reviewed The Discomfort of Evening here.

I’m looking forward to seeing this year’s longlist..

>28 jessibud2: Right, Shelley: poco a poco. In my session with my psychotherapist this morning I told her that I was very energetic and was briskly writing down tasks into a small personal planner. Victoria was pleased that I was so productive, but she also encouraged me to be mindful of overly frenetic activity, as my first manic episode last month was marked by hyperactivity, but at that time the thoughts were coming out so quick and in such jumbled fashion that I couldn't write any one of them down before the next one entered my mind. She has a soothing voice with a lyrical flair, and it's both easy and comforting to “hear” her guiding and cautioning me to take deep breaths and engage in meditations to stay within myself.

We doctors are unsurpassed in following good advice, as you undoubtedly know…🙄

>30 RidgewayGirl: Thanks, Kay. I’m also glad that I was able to meet you and Pattie during two consecutive Decatur Book Festivals, and that we’ve continued our friendship online.

I’m glad that you enjoyed The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store. This weekend Tina and I will pay a visit to Harriett’s Bookshop, the Black feminist indie bookshop in Philadelphia’s Fishtown section that has become my favorite place to buy books in the city, along with Head House Books in Society Hill, and I’ll definitely look for this novel there. Harriett’s sells books by male authors, along with ones of all races, so it’s entirely possible that it will be in stock there.

>32 kjuliff: My Heavenly Favorite is definitely on my TBR list; it will be even more so if it's chosen for this year's International Booker Prize longlist (I don't know if it's ?late publication date disqualifies it for this year's award). I liked The Vegetarian, but from I remember about it I could easily envision it being a difficult book to listen to rather than read.

Since I've read basically nothing this month I'll essentially start February from scratch today. I'm a couple of pages into Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic, the first published book by the great 20th century American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, which consists of his reflections of being a young pastor in 1920's Detroit, as it emerged from the ashes of World War I and was quickly transformed from a relatively sleepy pastoral Midwestern town to a giant of automobile manufacturing and modern technology; and Black AF History: The Un-whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriot, which is a hard hitting and somewhat irreverent look at the history of Blacks in America, which is filled with biting humor.

I still want to create a list of books I would recommend for Black History Month, and hopefully I'll be able to do that, and catch up on everyone's threads this weekend.

But, first...😴

>31 kidzdoc: reordering my priorities and support systems
This sounds highly sensible, especially after your "go it alone" comment in the previous thread. (I read through it all, did not add to the comments as I figured you might want to start fresh here.)

I just received a book you mentioned earlier, The Hundred Years' War on Palestine. It's such a complicated topic and I have not read much from the Palestinian point of view.

I'm glad to hear that you have a book store expedition planned. Have you read Yellowface? It's the ultimate story of a white author assuming another nationality. If you haven't read it yet, you might take a look at that one.

>36 qebo: Right, Katherine. The past two weeks have finally convinced me that I need to know who I can trust in my foxhole, the place I retreat to when I feel stressed or under fire. Two weeks ago those people who were supposed to be fellow foxhole residents failed me when I needed them the most, which is particularly distressing because I am very self reliant and never ask for help, even when I can use it. I've now identified people who I am confident will drop everything and come to my immediate aid if I'm in a crisis, no there is no hard feeling toward the people I previously trusted. I'm not angry or even disappointed at anyone; I just understand that things are different now, and I have to make changes to keep myself and my mother safe and fully protected.

Victoria, my psychotherapist, who is also caring for an octogenarian mother in her home, made a profound declaration during our session yesterday. She said that my role at home has almost entirely consisted of providing supportive care to my mother; she said that she needs me as her son, instead of her aide, now more than ever before.

>37 streamsong: I look forward to your thoughts about The Hundred Years' War on Palestine, Janet. I do need to write a review of it soon.

Yes, my cousin Tina & I are planning to go to Harriett's Bookshop in the Fishtown section of Philadelphia, almost certainly tomorrow afternoon.

I haven't read Yellowface yet but I've heard of it, and it is high on my TBR list.

You sound so much better today, Darryl. And it seems like you are getting the help you need. Good luck!

>39 BLBera: Thanks, Beth. You're absolutely right in your assessment. I've been, as the band Chicago sung, 'Feelin' Stronger Every Day' for over a week, and this past Tuesday evening was the first time I felt normal again. I've now able to drive safely and comfortably, my mind and body are back in sync, and my racing thoughts, hallucinations and disordered thinking are behind me — although I'm well aware that I have to be mindful and allow others in my newly refashioned support network support me when things start to become too much for me, rather than waiting until I'm in a full blown crisis.

I view this psychotic episode, although frightening, as the wake up call I sorely needed before I followed my late father permanently and allowed my life to end prematurely as a direct result of my mother's dementia, which obviously does me, or her, no good. I would be badly deluding myself by saying things are back to normal — whatever that was — but there is no question that I have a useful road guide to follow, instead of lurching aimlessly and ineffectually from crisis to crisis.

>40 kidzdoc: I'm glad you are seeing some progress Darryl and feeling more yourself. Having the right professionals supporting, and friends, makes a big difference. Is your cousin going to visit you again soon?

>41 Caroline_McElwee: Thanks, Caroline. I cannot overemphasize how essential my psychiatrist and psychotherapist have been in helping me overcome major depressive disorder, suicidal ideation and generalized anxiety disorder last year, and bipolar disorder this month. The medications in themselves are helpful, but nowhere near as important as the therapy and care they have given me.

My cousin Tina is planning to return in mid March, so she will be back soon.

>31 kidzdoc:

"....it serves Mercer County, NJ (Trenton and Princeton), and Bucks County, PA (Doylestown and New Hope), where I live."

Oh my, the coincidences do pile up! I grew up in Mercerville, NJ, quite near the community college, in fact. A high school boyfriend lives in Doylestown, and I saw a number of shows at the Bucks County Playhouse!

Did you ever attend the Christmas Day reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware? I went to it once.

>31 kidzdoc:
"....Now that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder do you have any idea whether a person can be reclassified as having depression or not?"

I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that.

I am so glad you are doing better, Darryl!

>43 amysisson: Nice. I don't know Mercerville well but it's only 15 miles or so from where I live. I don't think I ever attended any reenactments of George Washington crossing the Delaware River, even though the location of the actual crossing is roughly 10 miles away.

I'll just say that it's a creepy and sad day when your mobile phone suggests "Santos" as the best word to follow "George," rather than "Washington."

>44 banjo123: Thanks, Rhonda!

>31 kidzdoc: Now that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar I disorder do you have any idea whether a person can be reclassified as having depression or not?

As far as I know that is possible, Darryl. It is also possible to have multiple diagnosis, like bipolar AND major depression.
Or like me in the 1990s: borderline (not in DSM-5, diagosed under DSM-4) AND agoraphobia AND generalized anxiety disorder.

I got behind in your thread and then it kept getting bigger and I kept getting behinder, so I've only just finally caught up. It was hard enough to read - I can't imagine what it was like to live it.

I'm glad that you seem to be feeling better and have a way forward to start adjusting to your new normal.

I've only just caught up with your threads, having been very, very behind here, but I wanted to belatedly add my voice to the chorus of sympathetic moral support. It seems so utterly unfair, after everything else you've had to deal with in your life of late, for your own brain to start adding to your difficulties as well... but, of course, those things are hardly independent, are they? That's a brain that's been through a lot. Here's hoping you're able to be as kind to it (which is to say, to yourself) as it/you deserve, that you will receive all the help and support you need, and that things will get better for you, and will be as good as they possibly can for your mom.

Continuing to follow along here and pray for you, Darryl.

By the way, I have Moral Man and Immoral Society By Reinhold Niebuhr out of the library now, and am hoping to read it in March.

>46 FAMeulstee: Thanks, Anita. I've just started reading The New England Journal of Medicine 2020 review article titled "Bipolar Disorder," and after I finish I'll have a much better idea about the specific diagnostic criteria for affective disorders, which include unipolar depressive disorders, bipolar disorder types I and II, and cyclothymic disorder. I would be more than happy to share what I learned here.

One interesting thing is that many people with bipolar I or II disorder are diagnosed with major depressive disorder first; I was diagnosed with it in May of last year. Those with bipolar disorder have high rates of coexisting psychiatric conditions, particularly anxiety in 71% of individuals; I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in May, and I still carry that diagnosis, along with severe bipolar I disorder with psychotic features.

Here's a link to the NEJM article: https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmra1906193. Unfortunately you need to be a subscriber to the Journal or have institutional access to be able to read it. If I come across a great article designed for the lay public and is not restricted from public access I'll gladly post it here.

>47 rhian_of_oz: Hi, Rhian! Having that psychotic break was disturbing on multiple levels. I've seen patients who had psychotic breaks in medical school and residency, so knowing that I was going through the same thing, although not as severe as the worst cases I witnessed, was mind blowing. Often times medical trainees, regardless of their profession of interest, either see the most extreme examples of cases of illness, or remember those cases the most, and transfer those impressions on how the disease typically presents. I'll never forget seeing a woman who was floridly psychotic in the Emergency Department of the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic of the University of Pittsburgh during my third year Psychiatry rotation as a medical student at Pitt in the summer of 1999. She was a relatively small statured woman, but she had superhuman strength, and it took the combined effort of several Security officers who were the size of NFL lineman to be able to physically restraint her. Needless to say I've seen many children and adults with bipolar disorder since then, but if you were to ask me which person represents this condition, I would instantly jump to her. Thus, I have to take a deep breath, and remind myself that she is not reflective of the vast majority of people with bipolar disorder, which is far easier said than done.

Whenever I think about what happened I'm also shocked by it, and in utter disbelief about it. I can't deny or sugar coat it, and I can only accept that it happened, and that I'm at high risk for it happening again, especially if I don't take my medications or take other measures to alleviate my symptoms if I start to become manic or hypomanic again.

>48 bragan: Hi, Betty! I'm perpetually behind in threads, so I'm right there with you. I learned even before my psychotic break that caregivers of loved ones with dementia and other chronic conditions are at high risk of mental illness, including suicide, marital or family discord, and other problems that only add to the problems that they possess. I joined a dementia support group two months ago, and most of the caregivers who attend are actively seeing a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, and I would guess that the conditions they have began once they started the caregiving role, especially since we Americans are supposed to be tough, and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps types who can function independently with little or no support.

I'm now developing a support system that is centered on me, not my late father, as his friends have largely not been supportive of me or my mother. I liken it to building a new house from the foundation up; the walls and rooms are finished, and I only need to furnish the rooms to make my "support home" complete.

>49 bell7: Hi, Mary! I thank you for your prayers and support, and I hope that we can meet up in Philadelphia or elsewhere later this year, which will be much easier after my mother is transferred to a long term care facility.

I haven't gotten very far into it, but I have started Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic by Reinhold Niebuhr. I hope to finish it and Black AF History by Michael Harriot by the end of the month. Maybe we can read Moral Man and Immoral Society together in March?

I had promised to compile a list of some of my favorite books for Black History Month in the United States. This is a noncomprehensive list, but I highly recommend all these nonfiction titles:

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson
The Cause of Freedom: A Concise History of African Americans by Jonathan Scott Holloway
The Dead Are Arising: The Life of Malcolm X by Les Payne and Tamara Payne
Ella Baker and the Black Freedom Movement: A Radical Democratic Vision by Barbara Ransby
The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin
Lost Prophet: The Life and Times of Bayard Rustin by John D’Emilio
Malcolm X: A Life of Reinvention by Manning Marable
Nobody Knows My Name: More Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin
Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin
One Righteous Man: Samuel Battle and the Shattering of the Color Line in New York by Arthur Browne
Panther Baby: A Life of Rebellion and Reinvention by Jamal Joseph
A Promised Land by Barack Obama
The South: Jim Crow and its Afterlives by Adolph L. Reed, Jr
Stokely: A Life by Peniel Joseph
Walking with the Wind: A Memoir of the Movement by John Lewis
We Were Eight Years in Power: An American Tragedy by Ta-Nehisi Coates
The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson
The Yellow House: A Memoir by Sarah M. Broom

>50 kidzdoc: Hi, Mary! I thank you for your prayers and support, and I hope that we can meet up in Philadelphia or elsewhere later this year

Me, too! Me, too! I want to finally meet you and see Mary again.

>51 kidzdoc: Thank you for the comprehensive list, Darryl. Of those books, the only one I read was Caste which blew me away because it was so excellent. My former roommate called Caste the best book she ever read. I look forward to reading more books on your list, especially those by James Baldwin, the one by Ta-Nehisi Coates, the one by John Lewis, and the second one by Isabel Wilkerson.

>51 kidzdoc: - Thought you might enjoy this, Darryl, as a somewhat related to the Feb. Black History theme. I loved watching this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gboEyrj02g

Nice list, D. I’ve read 7. Perhaps that Malcolm X biography is calling.

BTW I specifically mentioned Black History Month in the US, as the UK, at least, celebrates it in October and not in February.

>52 SqueakyChu: Yes! That would be great, Madeline.

I'm glad that you like my personal Black History Month list, although the last word I would use to describe it is "comprehensive." I'm glad that you and your former roommate loved Caste; it was far from the best book I read from this list, which speaks on how many great books there are on it.

If you asked me to choose only one book, it would probably be The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin. It should come with a set of industrial strength hand mittens, due to the searing words that regularly jump off of its pages.

>53 jessibud2: Thanks, Shelley!

>54 dchaikin: Which biography of Malcolm X are you referring to, Dan? There are two on this list.

>51 kidzdoc: Thanks for putting this list together, and for reminding me about The Yellow House. I'm going to New Orleans in April, so I'll read it before I go. (If you do have a spare minute, which seems unlikely, I'd love to find out which NOLA restaurants you consider unmissable)

>56 RidgewayGirl: If you do have a spare minute, which seems unlikely

Are you kidding?! Asking that question of someone who has lived in New Orleans (me!) or knows its restaurants well is akin to asking an alcoholic what his favorite drinks are. 😂

Give me a day or two, and I'll have a nice list for you and everyone else.

If I may jump in, Darryl, (well, actually, I can't resist) as a 7-year New Orleans resident myself, the one restaurant I'd insist you not miss is Mandina's in the Mid-City neighborhood. It's a traditional Cajun/seafood restaurant that's been there forever. Locals and tourists mingle easily.

I'll let Darryl fill you in on the rest.

>57 kidzdoc: Wonderful, thank you! Also, the best place for sazeracs outside of the Iberian Pig, please.

>58 rocketjk: I'm eager for all the advice anyone wants to give me. Mandina's sounds perfect, especially for my husband who has stated his intention of eating seafood every single day (Bloomington, IL being somewhat land-locked).

>58 rocketjk: well, actually, I can't resist

As I said...

>59 RidgewayGirl: How dare you tempt me with Sazeracs, Kay? I gave up mixed drinks for Lent! 🤬

Jerry, despite what I said yesterday on my Facebook timeline I did not have a drink or three in honor of Nina Simone's birthday.

>51 kidzdoc: Thanks for this wonderful list, Darryl. I've read a couple and will strive to read more. I hope you continue to prosper.

>55 kidzdoc: re Malcolm - i was eyeing the one by Manning Marable. But, i had somehow overlooked the other one.

>61 Jim53: You're welcome, Jim. I think what I'll do is make a Best Books for Black History Month List a regular entry of my future Club Read threads, and add to them as I read more books; 25 books would seem to be a reasonable number.

Every day is at least the same as the previous one, and most days are discernibly better. Having said that I'm at great risk of relapsing into hypomania, mania, or hallucinations, especially if I don't take concrete steps to improve the situation at home, so I can't kid myself to thinking that everything is back to normal and I couldn't have another episode. For that matter, I'm at significant risk for this to happen again even if there aren't any stressors, and the more episodes I have the harder it will be to have an excellent long term outcome.

Speaking of bipolar disorder, one of my all time favorite books, regardless of genre, is An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Dr Kay Redfield Jamison, a brilliant clinical psychologist at Johns Hopkins with a strong family history of bipolar disorder who developed the illness herself when she was a teenager. This was one of the best written and most insightful books I've ever read, and I thought immediately after I finished it in the late 1990s that I would want to read it again at some point. Clearly now is the time, so I'll make it my business to get to it in the next month or two.

>62 dchaikin: Sounds good, Dan. Both are very worthwhile reads, and approach the giant that was Malcolm X from different perspectives. I did not include The Autobiography of Malcolm X, as it's easily been 40 years since I read it.

As a former Tulanian I was fully expecting you to add at least one entry to the New Orleans restaurant recommendations. I'll cut you some slack, as I'm guessing that you may not have ventured off of campus as much as I did; I had three sets of relatives who lived in town, and my girlfriend at the time lived off of St Bernard Avenue in the city's Gentilly section. You can fully redeem yourself if you recommend at least one restaurant in Uptown New Orleans, close to campus; I can think of two well established and currently operational spots that you should have gone to when you were a student.

*waits impatiently*

>63 kidzdoc: for perspective, my first thought was Cooter Browns*. Then I realized as a student, maybe my culinary explorations had a less currently useful tilt.

*Cooter Browns is a bar where you used to be able to drink around the world. They provided a card to track.

>64 dchaikin: Nope; chain restaurants definitely don't count, especially in a city like New Orleans.

The ones I thought you would mention and you could walk to from campus are The Camellia Grill, located on Carrollton where westbound St Charles streetcars turn onto northbound Carrollton Avenue from St Charles Avenue, and Domilise's Po-Boys on Annunciation Street, which easily had the best sandwiches Uptown. My friends and I routinely visited both places when we were students there. I would have also expected you to name Tipitina's* on Napoleon Avenue, where practically everyone went several times a year to listen to live music, and, of course, Café du Monde in the French Quarter, across from Jackson Square, for late night beignets and café au lait. Those of us who didn't have cars regularly took late study breaks by taking the St Charles streetcar or the "Freret Jet," the bus that ran on Freret Street, from campus to Canal Street, and walked into the French Quarter to buy beignets before we headed back to campus. Back then the streetcar ran all night, unlike the city buses, so we would bring a knapsack with one or two textbooks, if we were feeling motivated to study, and read during the long (45-60 minute?) streetcar trip to the CBD.

*You could easily argue that Tipitina's shouldn't count. The food was better than average there, but you went for the music, not the food.

Kay, these restaurants are some of my favorites, but I'll add plenty more later today.

>65 kidzdoc:
I second the Camellia Grill. I have eaten there several times and it is good food very reasonably priced. If you go for breakfast on a weekend be prepared to stand in line just to get in the door. Or at least it was that way back in 2017 - which was the last time I was there.

>65 kidzdoc: & >66 benitastrnad: Yes, Camillia Grill, absolutely. I used to go there at about 2:30 in the morning to have a chile omelet. Oh, for the days of the iron constitution!

Sadly, I don't think Tip's has food at all anymore, so while I'd definitely list the place as a "don't miss" venue for a New Orleans visit, that would be for music but not for food. (The other music venue to definitely not miss is The Maple Leaf on Oak Street.) How about Pascal's Manale on Napoleon? That's some great creole food!

>51 kidzdoc: I have read all the Baldwin's, but have two of the others as yet unread on the shelves, so I will aim to read them between Feb and October. Thanks Darryl.

>65 kidzdoc: I have such great memories of Tipitina's, but I have eaten anything there. I went for the music. Cooter Browns is NOT a chain. Just saying. It has one location, 509 South Carrollton Avenue. It is well past its prime. Beignets I have leave for the tourists (including my current self).

https://www.cooterbrowns.com/#home

As an 18 year NO resident I'll third the Camellia Grill. For breakfast (or lunch or dinner) can't beat the pecan waffles.

>56 RidgewayGirl:

I'll fourth or fifth the Camellia Grill for the "nighthawks at the diner" atmosphere, but Kay, if you find yourself in the Quarter and in the mood for something high-end... Bayona on Dauphine St. is a worthy choice. The chef is a woman, something rare anywhere in the world. By the way, I used to live practically across from it, at 521, the Spanish building with a double staircase (the French windows on the right side, looking from the street). Should you pass by there, please give it a wave for me!

>35 kidzdoc:

Ooh, I used to read Harriot's articles over on The Root. The book is an instant want.

>69 dchaikin: I remember Cooter Brown's fondly. A bunch of pool tables, iirc, plus once a week there were 10 cent oysters, though the wait for a dozen was usually around an hour and a half. Also, you mentioned the great beer selection. In my New Orleans days, the 1980s, Cooter's was the only place in the city that I knew of where you could get an Anchor Steam, the great San Francisco ale (still my favorite beer/ale but now sadly out of business).

>66 benitastrnad: The Camellia Grill has always had long lines, Benita!

>67 rocketjk: Yes!! The Camellia Grill was one of our favorite middle of the night places for a meal, especially since it was an easy walk from Tulane's campus.

I would never go to Tipitina's just for food, although I occasionally grabbed a bite while I was listening to music there.

Oddly enough I never went to The Maple Leaf, easily one of the most favorite music venues close to campus.

I loved Pascal's Manale, one of the best Italian Creole restaurants in the city; I had completely forgotten about it!

>68 Caroline_McElwee: You're welcome, Caroline.

>69 dchaikin: My apologies, Dan. I knew nothing about Cooter Brown's, and when I did a Google search on restaurants in other cities with identical or very similar names popped up, which made me incorrectly assume that it was a chain.

Café du Monde is totally touristy, and it certainly was when I was a student at Tulane, but it's still my favorite place to get those irresistibly delicate and sweet sugar bombs known as beignets.

>70 arubabookwoman: Ooh, yes!! The Camellia Grill's pecan waffles are to die for.

>71 LolaWalser: Thanks for mentioning Bayona, Lola. I'll have to give it a try.

I also follow Michael Harriot’s articles, and when I found out that he had written a book on Black History I nabbed it at my first opportunity.

>72 rocketjk: Ooh, 10 cent oysters…

Of all the great restaurants I’ve been to in New Orleans, these are the ones that stand head and shoulders above the rest. The first three also made the best NOLA restaurant list of my dear friend Jane (janemarieprice), a formerly active member of Club Read and a native New Orleanian, who is one of the coolest members of LibraryThing that I’ve met in person.

Restaurant R’evolution (French Quarter) https://www.revolutionnola.com/: Located on the ground floor of the Royal Sonesta Hotel on Bienville Street, this is probably my favorite restaurant, period. The signature dish is Death by Gumbo, a perfectly accurate name because you can die happily knowing that you’ll never have anything better to eat. Their Creole turtle soup and lobster and black gnocchi are also amazing, but I always order the Death by Gumbo.

Cochon (Warehouse District) https://cochonrestaurant.com/: Located on Tchoupitoulas (“chop-i-TOO-las”) Avenue close to the New Orleans Convention Center, Jane described this as her “favorite restaurant in the city.” The only reason I have it second is that the intimate atmosphere and exquisite service of R’evolution, a place where you would take someone who you wanted to impress the most, puts it slightly above Cochon for me. However, Cochon is easily the NOLA restaurant I’ve dined in the most over the past dozen years, particularly because it's amenable to quick lunches or dinners. Cochon is a Cajun restaurant that specializes in small plates, all of which are amazing. There is also a sister sandwich shop adjacent to it named Cochon Butcher https://cochonbutcher.com/, which is also superb.

Domilise’s (Uptown) http://www.domilisespoboys.com/: Jane says that Domilise’s serves the best po-boys in the city, and I completely agree. It’s on Annunciation, which parallels Tchoupitoulas, and it looks more like a chop shop than a restaurant, with yellow aluminum siding and a handmade sign over the front door that looks as it was painted by a marginally talented schoolchild, but New Orleanians have been going there for po-boys and other sandwiches for over 100 years. I also agree with Jane that Mother’s Restaurant https://mothersrestaurant.net/ on Poydras Street in the Central Business District (CBD) is a perfectly acceptable substitute if you don’t want to drive or take a taxi to Domilise’s, but Mother’s is far more touristy.

Dooky Chase’s (Tremé) https://www.dookychaserestaurants.com/: This is a legendary Creole soul food restaurant that is beloved by locals, tourists, and well known out of town guests, most notably President George W. Bush and President Barack Obama.

Tommy’s Cuisine (Warehouse District) https://tommyscuisine.com/: This is my favorite Italian Creole restaurant in the city — I haven’t been to Pascal Manale’s https://www.pascalsmanale.com/ in decades — and I adore their Duck Tchoupitoulas, their Creole turtle soup, and sweetbreads. The basement has live jazz on weekend nights, so that’s a plus.

Camellia Grill (Uptown; no website): As mentioned previously, this is the best restaurant for weekend breakfasts and brunches, but the long wait times to be seated are legendary. If you take the St. Charles streetcar get off just after it makes a right hand turn onto Carrollton from St Charles; the restaurant will be right in front of you as you exit.

I don't have a favorite place to get Sazeracs in New Orleans, Kay, as all of them should make a good one, considering that the Sazerac is one of NOLA's signature drinks. However, I'll post Jane's list of favorite bars in the city:

Bars:
Frenchman Street in the Marigny is the best bar stretch, particularly dba http://www.dbaneworleans.com/
Lots of good places in the Warehouse District also
Le Bon Temps uptown http://www.neworleansonline.com/directory/location.php?locationID=265
Napoleon House in the quarter (MUST get a milk punch) http://www.napoleonhouse.com/
Sazerac Bar (very classy old school cocktail bar) http://www.therooseveltneworleans.com/dining/the-sazerac-bar.html

>75 kidzdoc: I’m getting nostalgic about going to bars. Going to bars is a big cultural thing in NYC and I was amazed when I first arrived. I used to love going to NYC bars and drinking cocktails, but now I can’t drink alcohol or get about as I used to.

>76 kjuliff: Even though I worked in NYC for four years, in a research lab in NYU Medical Center after I received my bachelor's degree and before I started medical school, I don't think I went to a bar in the city more than twice. Everyone who worked in the lab lived in other neighborhoods quite a distance away, and after work everyone just wanted to get on the subway and return home. We didn't hang out with each other after work, except for the few months that I was dating a young woman who was also employed in the same lab, but I don't remember Colleen and I going to bars when we were lovers.

ETA: Our decision not to go to bars probably had a lot to do with us being a mixed race couple; a Black guy from Philadelphia and a Irish Catholic young woman from Boston would have likely angered more than a few folks, especially in the racially charged late 1980s and early 1990s in NYC. We couldn't even hold hands on the subway without getting glaring looks from at least someone.

>77 kidzdoc: I didn’t find that in the late 90s on. I had mixed-race gay friends who were so used to acceptance in Manhattan that they were shocked at the reaction they got when they vacationed up north in Maine in the early 2000s. Of course it may have been their homosexuality that raised eyebrows up north.

I was used to socializing in Australia by going out to dinner or to dinner parties. There wasn’t a big bar scene in Melbourne. But when I came here, going to bars was the only way to socialize. Manhattanites don’t cook dinners or entertain at home.

Thank you, Darryl, and everyone else. I am taking notes and making plans. And started making reservations.

I've heard you talk about the Death by Gumbo and have made a reservation. And Frenchman St. was already recommended by my hair stylist, who is the one who sold me on the idea of taking the train. Which means a definite leisurely walk with several pauses for drinks.

>78 kjuliff: Um. Well, The Great American Taboo since the end of slavery has been a White woman having forced or consensual relations with a Black man. Untold thousands of Black men have met with lynching or other horrible acts of violence when they were even suspected of violating White womanhood, and White men, women and children were whipped into a delirious frenzy at the site of a nigger being burned alive, shot, hung, etc. This country has come a long way in that regard, but I am not uncommonly met with hostile glares and occasional mutterings if I'm seen in public with a White woman, especially one that is young and desirable by White men. However, Black women are even more hostile to seeing one of their own men with a woman of another race, as these men are supposed to "stay true" and date a Sister, even though we are often treated with disdain or indifference by them.

I would be willing to bet a year's salary that, if I went into a small town mostly White bar in Appalachia with a cute White woman, I would at least get one hostile look, if not a nasty comment, a punch in the mouth, or something far more violent.

>79 RidgewayGirl: You're welcome, Kay. Do make sure that you can still walk after you finish your bar crawl on Frenchman Street!

>80 kidzdoc: Just told Dirk about how you and my other Club Read friends came through with tips. He is all in for Death by Gumbo, and ready to wait in line at the Camellia Grill. We're debating whether to do Cochon or Bayona or both.

Now to figure out which bookstores are necessary. I also want to see some art.

Yesterday, two friends and I took the train into Chicago to see the Faith Ringgold retrospective at the Museum of Contemporary Art and it was fantastic. You'd love her art and her activism.

>82 RidgewayGirl: You're making me excited about your upcoming trip to NOLA, Kay! The selfish part of me wishes that you go to Bayona, as I want to learn more about it, and to Faulkner House Books, for the same reason. Believe it or not I can't tell you the last time I've been to a bookstore in New Orleans, and it's entirely possible that I haven't been since I left Tulane in 1981.

I think I've seen some of Faith Ringgold's artwork, and her name is somewhat familiar to me, but I'm certain that I haven't attended an exhibition dedicated to her. I saw that her MoCA exhibition ended today but she is now on my radar screen, thanks to you, and I'll be on the lookout for her work.

You also reminded me that I probably haven't attended an art exhibition since my last trip to London in September 2019, and definitely not since COVID-19 was declared a pandemic in March 2020; I must change that!

>82 RidgewayGirl: "I also want to see some art."

I highly recommend the sculpture garden at the New Orleans Museum of Art. I spent a lovely afternoon there about a year ago.

>84 KeithChaffee: Noted!

>74 kidzdoc:
Dooky Chase's is a grand place. The head chef is now a grandson of Leah Chase, Dooky Chase IV. His name is Dook. Zoe Chase is a great granddaughter who is now the Head Bartender and mixologist for the resturant. It is a MUST for eating in NOLA. My friends in NOLA say that the restaurant food and service is just as good as it ever was. Dook was trained by his grandmother and also at cooking school in France. He is qualified and talented and by most accounts a great successor to Leah Chase.

>86 benitastrnad: Thanks for that detailed information about Dooky Chase's, Benita. I haven't dined there since my last visit to New Orleans, which has to have been at least six years ago, so I'm long overdue to return to my old stomping grounds.

>72 rocketjk: what?! No more Anchor Steam? 🙁 (I was in Stockholm in 1997(?) and that was _the_ American beer there.)

>75 kidzdoc: That's a great bar list, Darryl. I left New Orleans in 1986, so some of the bars, and especially the restaurants you mention, I suspect were after my time there. Also, unfortunately some of my favorites from my time were were washed away by Katrina or simply by the sands of time. For example, there used to be a great neighborhood Creole restaurant on Dreux Street in Gentilly called Olivier's. The red beans and rice, with or without the chicken or pork chop on the side, were heavenly. As I understand it, they tried opening a second restaurant in the Quarter, then they closed the Gentilly location, and then the French Quarter spot went out of business. I read about all this from afar. There used to be a great po' boy spot in Gentilly way out by the lake called Tommy's, but that's long gone. Memories . . . !

However, I remember Mother's very well. Glad to read it's still going strong. Same for Dooky Chase. When I was moving from New Orleans to San Francisco in '86, I got my car all packed up and made a point of having my final New Orleans meal at Dooky Chase. I called up my oldest and best New Orleans buddy and told him to come meet me for my last local lunch. After that meal, I got in my car and drove directly out of town.

I don't know how I could have forgotten the Napolean House! Not only is it a great spot for a drink, it's also a terrific place for lunch. It's been around forever and is in an historic old French Quarter building. The legend is that the building was built as a home for Napoleon as part of a conspiracy that entailed Napoleon being rescued from his final exile on Elba. I'm pretty sure the legend's been pretty well debunked, but don't mention that if you're in the place! During my French Quarter waiter days, I knew a woman who lived in one of the apartments above the bar, a grand spot with a great view.

One more place I just thought of is an uptown seafood diner called Frankie and Johnny's. It's extremely casual and very good. Great po' boys. I doublechecked just now and, yes, it's still going.
http://frankieandjohnnys.net

Regarding Cafe du Monde, at least in my days in New Orleans, the time to go was about 2:30 or 3:00 a.m. (assuming they're still open 24 hours as they were in my time). There would be about 3 tables available and only one waiter, but no tourists. At that point it had morphed into a local's spot, mostly bartenders and late-night waiters just off shift, or the occasional bar hoppers coming down after a night of revelry. I wouldn't go there during the day, but if you happen to be stumbling about in the wee hours, you can get a good idea of the original vibe of the place.

>88 dchaikin: Yes, the Anchor Steam brewery is shuttered, an extremely sad development. I believe it was the old story: after decades of independent ownership, the company was sold to a national outfit who eventually decided that it couldn't be run profitably (or profitably enough: I don't know which) and decided to shut it down. There was an attempt by the employees to band together and buy the place so they could run it as an employee-owned co-op. That was in July 2023. After some optimism on that front, I believe that project has fizzled as well, though I'm not entirely sure of the current status. The wikipedia page for the brewery has a pretty good rundown, but there's no update post that July 2023 announcement.

I'm noting all the restaurant recommendations. My husband and I are making plans to go to NO in May for our 50th year graduation reunions, I from the law school and he from the architecture school.(Of course this is dependent on the health issues we both face not acting up). The law school reunion is at Antoines, so we will go to that, and there is another gathering at Bruno's Tavern uptown--not sure if we'll go there. One evening we do hope to go to The Rib Room in the former Royal Orleans Hotel on Royal Street. It's not a BBQ place (tho' I love BBQ), but its specialty is Prime Rib, and husband and I had our second date there in 1968. (First date was to see a movie, Rachel Rachel, in the Old Sanger theater on Canal St., which I believe is still there). For "fancy" restaurants in NO, I do have to say my favorite is Arnaud's, and I'm also partial to Commander's Palace. Not sure if we'll be able to hit either of those. Pascal Manale's might also be an option--my husband's first apt in NO was right across the street. It is said that they invented BBQ shrimp, but not sure if that's true.

>89 rocketjk: My son who was in NO for a football game in January, said the Napoleon House had great muffalattas if you didn't want to trek over to Central Grocery. He also ate at Cochon and said it was great.

>90 arubabookwoman: Yep, the muffalatas at the Napoleon House are great. My memory of the Central Grocery is that it is, indeed, a grocery/deli, with no eat-in tables. I might be rembering that wrong, but if I'm correct, Napoleon House gives you the eat-in option that Central Grocery does not. I'm not familiar with Cochon.

>89 rocketjk: Thanks, Jerry. Let's see...R'evolution, Cochon and Cochon Butcher almost certainly won't there in 1986, I suspect that Tommy's wasn't, given that it's in the former Warehouse District where few people lived, but obviously Domilise's and the Camellia Grill would have been. The one place I dined in frequently when I lived there that isn't any more is Chez Hélène, a Creole soul food restaurant on N Claiborne Avenue, within walking distance of Canal Street. Chez Hélène was the basis of a shortly lived sitcom on CBS, titled Frank's Place, that was on during the 1987-88 broadcast season. I had moved back to Pennsylvania at that time, but after I read that Chez Hélène was the basis for it, I watched Frank's Place regularly. When I was a student at Tulane, I would typically escort my girlfriend back to her parents' house from campus, which involved taking the Freret Avenue bus (the "Freret Jet") to Canal Street, then connecting to a St Bernard-Senate bus, which stopped a block or two away from her home. En route we occasionally walked to Frank's Place and had lunch there, especially on Mondays, when you could get a huge plate of red beans & rice for, I'll guess, $2.99, a budget friendly meal for a college student.

The main reason I didn't try more NOLA restaurants at that time was because I had three sets of relatives who lived there, all of whom lived within either walking distance or a short streetcar or bus ride from campus. My favorite relative was my great Aunt Ella, who lived on Fern Street in Uptown, very close to where the Camellia Grill is. Our extended family is filled with great cooks — I'm pleased beyond measure that I'm following that tradition, according to my relatives — but Aunt Ella was unquestionably the best one when she was alive. I visited her on Sunday afternoons at least twice a week, and the Creole food she cooked was the equal of any restaurant in the city, including Chez Hélène and Dooky Chase's. Unfortunately, all my NOLA relatives fled the city before Katrina hit, and even though my Aunt Ella's shotgun house looks just as it did back then, none of my people moved back to Louisiana, nonetheless New Orleans.

Dooky Chase's was closed immediately after Katrina devastated the city, but it reopened two years later.

I'm completely unfamiliar with Olivier's and Tommy's, even though my girlfriend lived in Gentilly. The best thing about New Orleans is that it's filled with great neighborhood restaurants, and if you ate in one top notch place a day it would take you well over a year to visit each one.

I've certainly heard of Napoleon House, but I haven't dined there recently, and I doubt I did when I was a student at Tulane. My mother and her sisters paid me a visit once, probably during Carnival in 1979 or 1980, but it made no sense to dine out when my local aunts could make food that equaled or surpassed the best NOLA restaurants.

Frankie & Johnny's also sounds familiar...but that's it.

You're spot on about Café du Monde. We would go for middle of the night runs on weekdays, as there were far more likely to be locals than tourists. There were plenty of tourists on weekends, as they were coming out of the jazz clubs, bars and, um, strip joints in the French Quarter, but we were more likely to go to Tulane football games in the Superdome or basketball games in the ancient Tulane Gym on Saturday nights, and head back to campus after the games ended.

Hmm. It's Monday, so I could go for a plate of red beans & rice!

>90 arubabookwoman: Great idea, Deborah. It's a shame (maybe?) that I never went to any of the traditional top notch NOLA restaurants, such as Commander's Palace or Antoine's. Back then those were places you took your parents, especially if you were out of town, but we students would typically go to hole in the wall joints that were far cheaper and, according to my classmates, had better tasting food.

I think I've only ever had muffulettas from Central Grocery, across from the French Market, in part because those sandwiches were invented there. Interestingly a close friend of mine from Atlanta sent me two Central Grocery muffulettas via Goldbelly's, which taste just as good as I remember them.

ETA: Mother's is on Poydras, as is the Superdome, but it would be insanely packed with tourists on football Sundays.

I'll definitely have to go to Pascal Manale's the next time I visit New Orleans.

>91 rocketjk: Central Grocery has small tables without chairs that you can eat sandwiches on while standing; it never had table seating, mainly because it's a small Italian deli, that hasn't changed much since it opened over 100 years ago.

Have we sold you on Cochon's, Jerry?

>56 RidgewayGirl: See what you started, Kay? Are you satisfied with the responses to your questions?! 😂

>92 kidzdoc: Beyond pleased, Darryl. It's so fun to read everyone's memories of the city.

>93 RidgewayGirl: I'm glad, Kay. Anyone who reads these comments should get a sense of how much people love New Orleans; we've barely scratched the surface of all it has to offer.

I saw a meme several years ago that essentially said that anyone who was born in New Orleans will always be a New Orleanian, and anyone who lived there at any point in their lives will always keep New Orleans in their hearts. I couldn't agree more, and a large part of who I am as a person can be tied to the three years I lived there. In comparison I lived in Atlanta from 1997-2021, but that city did not change me one bit.

I ordered a bottle of Peychaud's Bitters, an essential ingredient of the Sazerac, from Amazon this weekend, even though I've vowed to give up all alcoholic beverages for Lent. As long as I am not tempted to purchase rye whiskey I should be able to hold out.

>92 kidzdoc: Chez Helene's definitely rings a bell, though I can't be sure I ever went there. There was a great Creole spot near where I lived in Gentilly, more or less right under the interstate overpass. It was not well known outside the neighborhood but it was great, though for the life of me I can't recall the name of it. I lived in the Quarter for my first year in New Orleans, and then in Gentilly for the rest of my stay, so I got to know the local Gentilly spots pretty well.

My first job in New Orleans was busing tables at the Hyatt in Poydras Plaza (right next to the Superdome), after which I got a job waiting tables at a very nice Creole restaurant in the Maison Dupuy Hotel at Toulouse and Burgundy. The restaurant was called Le Bon Creole. That's where I made flaming cherries jubilee table-side for famed New Orleans crime boss Carlos Marcello. We all knew who he was, and my boss was extremely nervous as I lit that Bushmill's whiskey up to pour over the cherries and ice cream and hovered a few feet behind me. I'd made the dessert dozens of times, however, and it all went off flawlessly. I can't recall what kind of tip Marcello left me, though. After that I moved to the restaurant in the Monteleone Hotel on Royal Street. At the time they had a very good steak restaurant with the unimaginative name of Steaks Unlimited. That was a super fun job. Both hotels are still there, though the Maison Dupuy has been bought out by a chain (J Collection Hotels, whatever that is). I can't speak to the quality of its current restaurant. Steaks, as we always called it, is long gone, and the hotel now seems to have a fancy-schmanzy "fine dining" restaurant called Criollo's. However, the Monteleone does still have very old and very fun Carousel Bar. The bar seats are in a circle on a platform that rotates around the bar itself, which is in the middle. When I worked in the hotel, one of the bartenders at the Carousel was a former boxer (or so he claimed--he had the bent nose to go along with the story, at any rate) who said he also used to play minor league hockey in New York. I lived only a couple of blocks away and I used to drink with this fellow in a watering hole up Royal Street called Shaky Jake's. The old timers in that place accepted me because I could answer their baseball trivia questions. ("You know your baseball for a young guy," one said to me after I'd answered the question about who it was that had turned the only unassisted triple play in World Series history. The hint was that the guy had a nickname with an animal in it, so I guessed Rabbit Maranville. They were all duly impressed, although I looked it up later and it turns out that Maranville never did any such thing. Anyway, I'd made my bones. Oh, for the days when I was the "young guy" in the shot & a beer joint.) I can remember that bartender's face as clear as day, but I can't recall his name. Anyway, the point is that if you find yourself on the business end of Royal Street (just a couple of blocks off of Canal) and feel like you could stand a drink, drop into the Carousel Bar in the Monteleone and raise a toast to . . . Harry! That was his name!

>95 rocketjk: The Carousel Bar is already on my list as it featured in one of Jami Attenberg's books. She has lived in NOLA for several years now and has set at least one book there.

>96 RidgewayGirl: Cool! I've never heard of Attenberg, though. Which of her books is set in the Carousel?

>97 rocketjk: All This Could Be Yours, about a dysfunctional family reuniting over the death of a family member. I really enjoyed it. The Carousel is only one scene, but a memorable one.

Central Grocery muffulettas were pricey even in my time, but I'd give a hundred bucks to have one materialise in my hands... right... now... *closes eyes and wishes real hard* ~~SIGH~~

Re: bookshops, the last time I checked so many of my old haunts had gone I'm reluctant to look again. But if you find yourself in the Quarter, the Beckham Brothers "flagship" on Decatur should still be there, although both brothers have died. They also owned my very favourite, somewhat redundantly called "Librairie Bookshop", but that one's gone. (I saw it again recently in a movie, Lucio Fulci's The Beyond!) Crescent City Books and Dauphine Street Books are still going strong--and hey, the latter is on that street I mentioned before! I loved their quiet top floor with a nice couch and view, where nobody would bother one.

Darryl mentioned the Faulkner House, which as a memorial likely won't go out of business ever. It was the very first place I visited and where I bought my first book in the United States, a copy of A confederacy of dunces, but it's tiny and pretty much always filled with tourists so I only went back when I was playing guide to people. Otoh, given its position in the Pirate Alley (right next to "the Scary Jesus") I passed by it almost daily.

Arcadian Books and Prints was too expensive to feature regularly on my shopping tours but every time I went I loved chatting with Russell Desmond, the only impossibly nice person ever to run a second-hand bookshop :) This is from a few years back but he looks practically the same, except for the hair gone white:

https://www.frenchquarterjournal.com/archives/arcadian-books-prints

>99 LolaWalser: Arcadian Books looks amazing and a lot like Myopic Books in Chicago. Claustrophobic folks might want to wait outside.

>95 rocketjk: The Creole restaurant you described very well could be Chez Hélène, Jerry. It sat in the shadow of I-10 on North Claiborne, and it was considerably closer to my girlfriend's parents house in Gentilly than to the Tulane campus Uptown. That was our place to eat, and definitely wasn't one that was frequented by tourists or out of town Tulane students.

Nice recollection of NOLA restaurants and bars!

>99 LolaWalser: Goldbelly will ship muffulettas from Central Grocery to addresses within the United States, but not abroad. A quick Google search indicated that several sandwich shops in Toronto "make" them, although that may be the same as getting a cheesesteak outside of the Philadelphia area.

Thanks for those NOLA bookshop recommendations. I had no idea that Faulkner House was a tourist trap, so I'll scratch it off of my wish list. I would bet that there are several great bookshops in the Garden District and Uptown that cater to residents of the city.

>100 RidgewayGirl: I went to Myopic Books roughly a dozen years ago when I visited once of my classmates from residency in Highland Park, just north of Chicago, where she was working as a primary care pediatrician. Claustrophobic, indeed.

>101 kidzdoc: OK. That could very well be. I was wondering whether we were both talking about the same place. I can picture the interior quite clearly.

>102 rocketjk: This is a recent article from NOLA.com, which includes photos of Chez Hélène:

Do you remember Chez Hélène?

I can't look at this photo and definitively say "Yes! That's Chez Hélène!!," especially since the last time I dined there was in late 1981, but it does match my recollection of that great restaurant.

>103 kidzdoc: I actually went online to try to find a photo of the place and saw the image you've posted here. My memory of the place I'm thinking of is that there were no photos on the wall, but some sort of wallpaper with images of vines or some sort of greenery. But, again, the latest I would have been there is around 1985, so who knows what kind of tricks my memory is playing on me?

Even with an extra day February has been a complete swing and a miss for me in terms of my reading, as I've only read 32 pages of Black AF: The Un-whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriot, and I'm still on the first page of Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic by Reinhold Niebuhr. I will cut myself plenty of slack though, as my new diagnosis of bipolar I disorder meant that I could only focus on reading anything until two weeks ago, and because of the effects of the medications I'm still sleeping far more than usual, and my concentration on pleasurable activities is far less than it normally is.

I will want to continue these books into early March. In addition I'll also read Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate by Jor-El Carabello, a licensed mental health counselor, which I received from Amazon this morning, and An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, an outstanding book in which she vividly describes her experience with severe bipolar disorder from adolescence onward. As I may have mentioned I read it roughly 25 years ago, and now is a perfect time to pick it up again.

>104 rocketjk: Oof. There is no way in the world I could tell you what was hung on the walls of Chez Hélène, Jerry! That is ancient history for me.

>105 kidzdoc: It's good to see that life seems to have stabilized enough to post and visit other threads, even if you haven't quite gotten your reading mojo back. If listening is easier than reading, there is a podcast episode that you might find interesting: Codeswitch Feb. 27, 2024: "Naomi Jackson talks about 'losing and finding' her mind"
https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510312/codeswitch

She also wrote a Harper's article about her experience with later onset bi-polar disorder, that I'm sure google can help you locate.

>107 ELiz_M: Fabulous; thanks, Liz! I'll definitely listen to podcast episode, and subscribe to Code Switch.

I did find the Harper's article that you referred to:
Her Kind: On losing and finding my mind by Naomi Jackson

ETA: The good news is that my interest in reading is very high, and it shouldn't take long for me to get back on track again.

I'm glad you've settled into a stable routine, Darryl. I love reading your comments and lively discussion of NOLA, even if I don't have anything to add. Any birds at your feeder yet?

>109 labfs39: Oops. Thanks for the reminder about the bird feeder!

Back to NO for a second. I was there for Mardi Gras in the 1960s (Yeah, yeah. I know!). I remember having the best (or maybe it was my first) hot pastrami sandwich there at a restaurant called The Court of Two Sisters. Do you know if it's still there? I also have my hurricane glass from Pat'OBrien's. I guess my glass is over 60 years old now. Ha! Is that bar still there?

>111 SqueakyChu: I have no idea, Madeline; why don't you Google it and find out yourself?

>112 kidzdoc: Will do.

>112 kidzdoc: Both are still where I left them some 60-odd years ago. Yay! :D

>114 SqueakyChu: Great!

>105 kidzdoc: Sleep is a great healer Darryl. I can see you are heading in the right direction.

>116 Caroline_McElwee: Indeed, Caroline. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon, and she decided to double my night time dose of Depakote (valproic acid). As a result I slept well for the first time in over a week, and I feel much more refreshed and less on edge to start the day.

Today will be a complete washout in Philadelphia, so I'll spend the day cooking (probably ratatouille and mushroom barley soup, two old favorites), and reading Black AF History: The Un-whitewashed Story of America by Michael Harriot, and Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic by Reinhold Niebuhr.

>117 kidzdoc: Sounds like a perfect day, Darryl!

>117 kidzdoc:
I cooked yesterday. I made homemade wontons for my supper group. The first batch I fried were good - not too greasy. The second batch took too long to cook because the oil temperature wasn't hot enough. I got impatient and put them in the pot too soon and didn't let the oil come back up to temperature. As a result, the wontons were much more oily and didn't taste as good. I got the third batch just about right, but overall, it was the first batch that was the closest to restaurant quality.

I cooked for my supper group. Altogether I made 110 wontons and only brought 10 of them home, so I guess they weren't that bad. It was a new adventure in cooking and I can see where having an air fryer would make this type of food much healthier and still be tasty eating. Oh well - I need to pay for the new windows at home before I take on any other purchases.

>118 SqueakyChu: I was busy yesterday doing...stuff, so I did very little reading yesterday. Today has also been a busy one, but I'm hopeful that I can get at least a couple of hours of reading done today.

Being the full time caregiver of a loved one with dementia is not conducive to reading, or anything else pleasurable. Fortunately I should have a lot more free time starting on Tuesday, God willing.

>119 benitastrnad: Well done, Benita. I hardly cooked anything in February, save for pan fried fish fillets for lunch and dinner, and spinach mushroom omelettes practically every day for breakfast. I did make ratatouille for a late lunch today, along with quinoa. I'm supposed to be on a high protein low carbohydrate diet, and the Baritastic mobile app I mentioned in my previous thread is helping me keep track of my caloric intake, but also the amounts of protein and carbohydrates I'm eating daily. Lately my protein intake has been good, but yesterday I made the mistake of eating a frozen Pad Thai meal that I bought several weeks ago. It was chock full of carbohydrates, I ate very little protein that day, and my reward was gaining 0.8 lb. I'm now paying very close attention to the carbohydrate content of everything I eat, while still eating a balanced diet, and, after getting suggestions from my Facebook friends, I bought cartons of Vanilla and Chocolate Core Power Fairlife Elite High Protein Milk Shakes:

  

As you can see, the biggest difference between the two flavors (both 14 oz) is that the Chocolate flavor provides 42 g of protein, vs 26 g in the Vanilla version. My goal protein intake is 90 g per day, which I find hard to achieve, so I'll definitely have a chocolate milk shake shortly.

Another benefit of not having to constantly watch my mother is that I can go for long walks again, which will greatly help my physical and mental health.

Speaking of my mother, I gave her lunch about 2½ hours ago, and we went for a nice drive for about an hour to run errands. I wasn't hungry at the time, so I didn't eat then, but I decided to have lunch after I returned. She has asked me repeatedly to give her lunch. I told her numerous times that she already had lunch, and it was my time to eat. I asked her if she was hungry just now, to see if she actually wanted a mid meal snack. She replied, "No."

Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that I gave up spirits due to the medications I'm taking. I could use one or five Sazeracs now...

>120 kidzdoc: Frustrating, Darryl. Hang in there. Do you have plans for your day off on Tuesday?

>121 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa. Tuesday will probably be a rain out, which rules out going for a walk or sitting in the outdoor garden outside of our local library. I have a book to pick up there, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, so I'll go to the library at some point, spend a few hours reading there, and go to a nearby Indian restaurant that I haven't been to since my father died. I'm not sure if I'll have lunch first and go to the library or vice versa; I may also go to a coffee shop and read while I'm out.

That may not sound like much, but going to a café, sitting in a library to read, and dining in a restaurant are all things that I haven't done locally in over two years. Once the weather is nicer I'll be able to sit in the grounds immediately surrounding the library, which is set on the Delaware River, the body of water that separates Pennsylvania and New Jersey. I tried to do that with my mother on several occasions, as she used to love the outdoors, but she would be ready to leave less than 10 minutes after we arrived, which was immensely frustrating to me. Tomorrow would be a perfect day to do so, but she won't go to the adult daycare center until Tuesday.

>120 kidzdoc: When I read your comment, I remembered having this exact experience caring for an aged relative with dementia. She would eat, forget she had eaten, and then accuse everyone of starving her deliberately. I got in the habit of leaving healthy, shelf stable snacks by her bed. The greatest lesson I learned while caring for her was never to try to and argue or correct her, because her grip on reality was so tenuous that she genuinely believed what she was saying. Sometimes it truly led to absurd circumstances. One particular incident: she woke up from a nap one afternoon, grumpy because we had all, apparently, eaten cake without her. Of course there was no cake and we would not have had it without her even if there had been any. I deduced from this she had a hankering for cake, and told her I would bake her some, but no, she wanted that specific cake (which didn't exist). I was absolutely at my wit's end, and she had a rare moment of lucidity. "My reality," she informed me, "is different from yours.".

>122 kidzdoc: It sounds like a lovely day you have planned. You take care of you.

>123 rv1988: Wow, you just brought back memories of my Mom w/ dementia who died in 2003. Food was an issue for her but also clothing. She had a couple of outfits that she wanted to wear day after day after day. It seemed the more rank they became, the more she wanted to wear them. You had to wait until she was sound asleep to put them in the wash. And heaven help you if they weren't out of the dryer by the time she woke. I came to the conclusion that a combination of the scents plus the softness of the cloth were what drove that obsession. And yes, there was no reasoning with her around the issue.

Wishing you the best of relaxing days on Tuesday, Daryl.

Thinking of you and very glad you’ll get some room to breathe on Tuesday.

>122 kidzdoc: That may not sound like much
It sounds luxurious after two years of 24/7 vigilance.

>125 tangledthread: My mother, who never had the slightest interest in clothes beyond respectable appearance for work or ceremonial occasions, went in the opposite direction as dementia progressed. She felt (correctly) that she was losing control, that she couldn't keep track, that things were going missing, and wanted a system of labeling which items belonged together and enough sets to last a week. My sister-in-law offered to help, and was run ragged ordering clothes and returning everything that my mother rejected for one reason or another. Then my mother banished my sister-in-law from visiting with my brother because she couldn't handle conversations with multiple people, and I got drawn into the clothing business. I will order e.g. a bathrobe, have my mother try it on and tell me the dozen reasons it won't do, order another in a different style and go through the same process, revert to the original which this week won't do for reasons that contradict last week... I've had 60+ years of experience setting boundaries with my mother, so at this point I will say these are the choices, I've assessed what's on offer from the planet based on your criteria, which of these two options would you prefer? Which I don't think is fundamentally unkind; it stops the spiral of anxiety.

>122 kidzdoc: That sounds lovely! I hope the weather clears up so you can go on your excursion soon.

>123 rv1988: "she had a rare moment of lucidity. "My reality," she informed me, "is different from yours.".

My mother had dementia for the last several years of her life. My sister handled the vast bulk of the day-to-day care, being in the same city, although my mother was in an assisted living facility for the final few years. I would visit frequently to see my mom and to give my sister a break. Once I asked my mother about a story she had once told me about an episode from her childhood. I wanted to see if reminiscing in that way would be a source of comfort or enjoyment for her. But, instead, her answer broke my heart. "I don't remember that any more," she said. "Somebody else lived that life."

(Apologies if I've already told this story here. My memory's not that great these days, either, I guess.)

Glad to hear you're getting a break Darryl. Whatever you do, I hope you thoroughly enjoy it.

>127 qebo: It's not unkind to set those boundaries. It's a reasonable way to limit the spiral for both of you.
I'm convinced my Mom's behaviors were sensory based....smell, tactile. Not cognitive enough to want a system, but primal enough to want the comfort of familiar sensory experience.

Wishing you peace.

It sounds as if you are starting to take steps in a positive direction, Darryl, which I'm so pleased to hear.

My father in law started going to an adult daycare last year, specifically designed for people with dementia. I don't know exactly what they did during the day but they described the activities as being designed to "stimulate, engage and enable the individual to recognise their potential, regain and maintain their confidence, positive image and social skills" and he always came back more engaged and alert than when he left. This despite never being someone who enjoyed socialising with people. It was a bright spot honestly in a very tough year for the family.

Darryl, I just started reading a book and can't remember if it was you who mentioned it or if I heard about it somewhere else. So far, it's very good. In the style (and genre) of physicians who also write really well (such as Atul Gawande, Abraham Verghese, and others), author Sandeep Jauhar writes of his personal experience with a parent's decline into Alzheimers. My Father's Brain is the title and it was published last year. I got it from the library and it is very readable and interesting from the perspective of Jauhar, who is a physician (as is his brother). Thought I'd mention it here in case it wasn't you I heard about it from!

Hope you are doing well and feeling stronger.

I wasn't able to bring my mother to the adult daycare center on Tuesday, because it no longer had the admission physical exam form that I had submitted sometime in November, a few weeks before my mother's fall at home that led to her hospitalization and prolonged stay in a rehabilitation facility. I can't blame them, as I didn't think to notify the center about my mother's hospitalization, and the previous director abruptly changed. I didn't make a copy of that form, nor did her GP, so I’ll have to go there tomorrow to have him fill out another one; he is semi-retired and no longer works on Mondays or Tuesdays. Hopefully he’ll fill out the form that day, I can bring it to the adult daycare center that afternoon, and my mother can start going there on Thursday.

>123 rv1988: "My reality," she informed me, "is different from yours."

That is as true a statement about dementia as there ever was, Rasdhar. Today she woke up very late for breakfast — she has night terrors every week or so, and when she is having them it is utterly impossible to waken her — and she didn't want to eat lunch until nearly 5 pm, at least 3 hours past her usual lunch time. Twenty minutes she finished eating, saw me sitting at the dining room table, and asked if she could have lunch with me; she had forgotten that she had just finished eating.

My mother has vascular dementia, which is much slower in its progression than Alzheimer's dementia, and given her advanced age (88 yo) and relatively good health for her condition, it seems more likely than not that she’ll live for many more years, as long as she well cared for, which I will ensure happens to the best of my abilities.

>124 labfs39: It will be a lovely day, whenever it happens. Thursday's weather is supposed to be cloudy and several degrees above normal, probably just a bit too chilly to sit outside, but there will be several days in the middle of next week with forecast highs in the low to mid 60s, so I could sit outside and read then.

>125 tangledthread: Ugh. I don’t look forward to that! However, I don't think we'll get to that point, as I’m making arrangements for her to be admitted to a local assisted living facility within the next few months, as I’ve determined that I can no longer care for her at home safely, with or without support.

>126 RidgewayGirl: Thanks, Kay.

>127 qebo: You’re absolutely right, Katharine. However, I’m entirely to blame for not doing some of these enjoyable things, as my cousin from Michigan has repeatedly urged me to do so whenever she visits, which is typically every month. I felt guilty leaving Mom while I was enjoying myself, though, especially since she acted as if I was deserting her, even to go to doctors’ appointments or other mundane tasks. That won’t be the case from this point forward, though!

>128 avidmom: Thanks, avidmom. Even if the weather is lousy just the ability to do something without having to drag my mother with me will be a nice gift.

>129 rocketjk: "I don't remember that any more," she said. "Somebody else lived that life."

That is a heartbreaking comment, Jerry. I anticipate that my mother will make comments similar to that one in the coming years as well.

I don't remember you telling that story before; I think(?) I would have remembered it.

>130 markon: Thanks, Ardene. I can draw enjoyment from the simplest of activities, so I don’t require much. One of my fondest memories is sitting in a nearly empty café in central London during a miserably rainy Sunday afternoon when I had no plans to meet any of my LibraryThing friends, and I didn’t want to spend the day in my hotel room. I read The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes in one sitting, and I enjoyed that reading experience more than any I can think of in recent memory.

>131 tangledthread: You’re right, tangledthread. I’ve definitely allowed my mother to dictate far more of our daily plans than I should, especially when it throws the day out of whack, as it did today.

>132 wandering_star: I’m glad that your father in law had a great experience in a local adult daycare center. The one that my mother will go to seems to be very well run and clean, the clients seem happy, and my mother enjoyed her four hour trial day visit last week. The director told me that she did try to make a break for it twice, but she didn’t get very far either time. Fortunately the front entrance is set with a lock and a piercing alarm that makes me jump whenever I hear it, so the chance of her escape is extremely low.

>133 jessibud2: Thanks, Shelley! I hadn't heard of My Father's Brain before, so I’ll add it to my iibrary wishlist.

>134 kidzdoc: I am so sorry you could not take your mother to the care center yesterday, Darryl. I hope it is sorted out soon.

Glad to hear that you've been getting out in the fresh air for walks, Darryl. It's so good for the soul.

Great stuff with your protein. I need around 100-114g of protein daily with training, and it takes a while but eventually you get into a rhythm of how to get enough from your diet (I'm not keen on taking protein powders). I'm a great believer in small steps so it doesn't become overwhelming. Breakfast, lunch and dinner should be good for 30g each. I don't know if you have Skyr yoghurt in the States or Fage, but they both have great protein and along with a high protein (low sugar) granola in the morning can easily get you to 30g+ of protein with breakfast (otherwise Greek yoghurt is good too). Add some chia seeds or hemp seeds on top and you've a few more protein grammes (plus berries for extra vitamin wins). At lunch a good low(ish) calorie source along with turkey or chicken is Greek flat bread, which can give you another 10g of protein, alongside something like feta cheese and lentils. It's pretty easy to make as well - look for the recipes made from Greek yoghurt, as lots online seems to be made via a traditional bread recipe which is not the aim. Dinner I always find quite easy as a chicken breast or steak, etc. will always have decent protein. There are lots of good recipes online to make your own protein bars as a snack which have far less sugar than shop bought ones.

It sounds like you've discovered already that you can eat a mountain of mushrooms and only consume single digit calories! Have you tried putting them outside in the sun for 15-30 mins? They are the only food source (as far as I'm aware) that can absorb a lot of vitamin D, and they only need a short burst of sunbathing to do so. Dr Tim Spector raves about them.

>135 kidzdoc: - I hope you can get to it, Darryl. It is a relatively new book (2023) and has only 3 reviews here on LT so far but all are giving the book high praise. I'm not quite at the half-way point but I would agree. One blurb says how well it complements Travelers to Unimaginable Lands

I am slowly coming to grips with some of the same things that you are facing. I think that there is always some form of survivors guilt when caring for a dear one at the end of life. My mother didn't have dementia and I knew I was not facing years of caring for her - that makes my experience and yours different. I do think that dealing with your situation for so long has had a profound negative effect on you and you simply must get away from it for a bit. I think you need to seriously think about another trip to Portugal this summer. It might be time to get away from it all for a short time.

I am cooking for the wine club tonight. I will be making homemade wontons in an air fryer.

>136 FAMeulstee: Thanks, Anita. I dropped off the admission physical exam form in my mother's GP's office at noon today, and hopefully it will be ready by the end of the day or sometime tomorrow. Either way it won't be long before my mother is ready to start going to an adult daycare center on a regular basis, and that's the most important thing at this point.

>137 AlisonY: Thank you, Alison!! This is exactly what I was looking for, a practical guide on how to ensure that I was getting enough protein in my diet. I don't know if Skyr yogurt is sold in the US but Fage definitely is, so I'll buy some the next time I go grocery shopping. I think I have low sugar granola, chia seeds and hemp seeds, and I'll incorporate your other suggestions into my meal plans.

The staff in my mother's GP's office know me well, as they all adore her and were distraught when I told them about my father's death in late 2021. One of them oohed when she saw me this afternoon, as she could see that I had lost a significant amount of weight; others have mentioned that my face isn't as full as it typically has been, and my clothes fit far more loosely on me. I've hit a wall over the last month, though, so I need to incorporate an exercise program to continue the excellent progress I had been making from October to the beginning of February.

>138 jessibud2: There are copies of My Father's Brain in two of the nearby branches of our local library system, along with the Free Library of Philadelphia, so I'll plan to read it soon, perhaps sometime next month after I get through the books I'm currently working on, along with Travelers to Unimaginable Lands and An Unquiet Mind.

I do think that dealing with your situation for so long has had a profound negative effect on you and you simply must get away from it for a bit. I think you need to seriously think about another trip to Portugal this summer. It might be time to get away from it all for a short time.

Sadly you are right, Benita. The lifetime of profound love I've had for my mother has been worn almost completely away, and I now view her as a burden. I may have said earlier that my psychotherapist wisely said a few weeks ago, "Your mother doesn't need you as her aide; she needs you as her devoted son," and that observation couldn't have been more accurate. My cousin Tina will be coming here in two weeks, and she urged me last night to get away from it all, especially since my birthday is on the 24th. I completely agree with her, and, depending how long she'll be here, I may fly somewhere (Atlanta? Chicago? Madison? Pittsburgh?), or, more likely, take a bit of a local vacation and book a hotel in NYC or Philadelphia, so that I don't have to return home every night (psst, are any NYC area LTers interested in getting together that week?).

Oh, yeah...I have to remember that my best friend from medical school, a pediatric neurologist at the University of Wisconsin, will be coming here to visit me in mid April. Checking...he arrives on April 17th and will stay until April 21st. I'll want to visit them in Madison as well, as their home has been a place of healing and comfort for me since they moved there in the mid 2000s.

Returning to Portugal would be nice, but would be even better is a trip to London, to see the dozen or more current and past LTers who I would normally see during my visits there two or three times a year. Hopefully Tina will be able to stay for a week or more at some point this year, which will make a trip abroad much more doable.

Please let me know how your wontons turn out! I need to start using my air fryer, especially to make chicken breasts and thighs without oil.

>134 kidzdoc: especially since she acted as if I was deserting her
I've realized these past few years with my mother's decline that I am better able than my brothers to set boundaries. There is a long history of my mother assuming that I am available while my brothers are busy, possibly a gender thing (which my mother would absolutely deny) or because my brothers have wives and (now adult) children, so I've had to say no, for my personal autonomy and sanity. My brother emailed after a recent visit to my mother: "I feel terrible saying this, but this is exhausting." (And we're just visiting for an hour per week each, but my mother's anxiety and confusion are emotionally demanding, and leaving upsets her so has become a lengthy process.) Yes, it is. And I do still feel guilty! But I don't feel terrible acknowledging the obvious.

>140 kidzdoc: "(psst, are any NYC area LTers interested in getting together that week?)."

The week of March 24? I'm around. Please do come to NYC! I have so much wanted to finally hang out with you in person and was sorry (though of course I entirely understood) that the proposed Philly meet-up didn't happen. Anyway, I would love to take in some jazz with you, or whatever event, at whatever speed/excitement level, seems right to you. With luck we can include LisaPeet in, too, and anyone else who's in town. If you're in a New York state of mind, that would be great.

>142 rocketjk: Let's do it, Jerry! I'll take Uber to the Trenton Amtrak station, take NJ Transit to Penn Station, and book a hotel room somewhere in the city. I'll let Liz from Club Read and some of my friends from the 75 Books group know about my plans, and I'll ask Tina to let me know what days she thinks she'll be here.

My mother's GP will finish the admission physical exam form the adult daycare program needs by this evening. I'll pick it up tomorrow, drop it off at the center, and she should start going there on Friday.

>143 kidzdoc: I'm around the week of the 24th, (outside of regular business hours). I'd be delighted to hang out with you guys!

>144 ELiz_M: Great, Liz! I'll start looking to see what plays, museum exhibitions, jazz sessions, etc. are happening, but I'm all ears if you have any recommendations.

I would love to join y'all too, if I can arrange things with the kids. Please let me know where you'll be staying, Darryl, so I can spend more time visiting and less time travelling. Or if Jerry or Liz have suggestions? I hope I can join you!

>146 labfs39: Great, Lisa! I'll start looking at hotel recommendations this weekend, and once I figure that out, and find out exactly when Tina will be coming, I'll let you know.

This is excellent news!

>140 kidzdoc: I watched my in-laws, after more than fifty years of very happy and contented marriage, become very unhappy with each other as the strain of my m-i-l being full-time physical carer for my f-i-l, who was not a good patient, and, not unreasonably in the circumstances, was self-centred and frustrated by his inablity to control his life any more. It must be hard to put your own needs to the fore but it must be done to enable you to continue to cope with the situation. We can all see what you 'should' do because we are at an emotional and physical distance but I suspect that we would all struggle if something similar happens to us.

>149 CDVicarage: You're right, Kerry. I put myself last for far too long, and I simply cannot do it anymore. Everything is now in place, and tomorrow morning will be the first full day that my mother spends a full day in the adult daycare center I chose for her. It will be good for her, as she was getting bored here, and I anticipate she will enjoy the activities the center has to offer.

As for me, after I drop Mom off at roughly 9 am I will go to a local restaurant to have a healthy breakfast bagel from a local restaurant, get my hair cut, pick up the copy of An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness from one of my local libraries, sit there until it's time for me to leave for my 1 pm appointment with my psychotherapist, have lunch in an Indian restaurant I love but haven't been to in years, possibly go for a walk along the nearby Delaware River if I have time, then pick up Mom from the adult daycare center around 4-5 pm.



This is an old picture of the interior of Margaret Grundy Memorial Library, the one my parents have belonged to for decades; I became a member in 2022, after I officially changed from being a Georgia to a Pennsylvania resident. It sits adjacent to the Delaware River, but its exterior is considerably nicer, as an outdoor park with bench and table seating was just built last summer. Tomorrow might be warm enough to sit outside, but if not the chairs inside the library are sufficiently comfortable.

I'm already starting to make daytime plans with local friends here, and I'll start exploring restaurants I've been wanting to try but haven't been able to. I literally feel like an inmate that is about to leave prison for the first time in years!

Good for you, Darryl! I hope you have a great day.

>150 kidzdoc: This sounds like a wonderful day! I hope everything goes to plan.

It's great to hear you're planning a pleasure trip, Darryl--it's been far too long! I miss the vicarious travels provided by your photos. :)

It sounds as if you'll need to come to some long-term solution for your mother's care, and sooner rather than later, considering the effects. It could be better for both of you.

>150 kidzdoc: What a beautiful library! I love those floor to ceiling windows. I was blessed to be able to work in a beautiful library with a lot of natural sunlight. It made such a difference to work in such a pretty place!!!
Your plans for your day out sound fantastic. I hope you got to see them through.

I am happy to hear that you are making out-of-the-house plans and I really really really hope that you make that short trip to NYC. Sounds like you guys have enough people for a party!

I packed a box of my dishes today. Took the covers and sheets off the bed. Washed and dried them and started taking the bed apart. I have two friends coming over tomorrow who will help me move the mattresses and bed into the van. I will pack a few more dishes on Monday and on Tuesday I should be ready to drive back to Kansas. I am not good at moving, and it will be hard for me to think of the house in Kansas as being something I can change to suit me, but I am trying.

Yesterday wasn't as good of a day as it should have been, but it certainly wasn't a bad day. My barber usually works on Friday morning, but he used yesterday morning to take his wife to see her dentist in Philadelphia (he has every right to do so, of course!); as a result, my day was thrown off. I did have a veggie bagel sandwich for breakfast, saw my psychotherapist at 1 pm, followed by visits to my barber, the library to pick up the copy of An Unquiet Mind that I had requested, and I picked up my mother from the adult daycare center. The staff said she did well, especially yesterday being her first full day there, although she did repeatedly ask where I was, and she said that she enjoyed herself. By the time we got home and especially after I gave her an early (5 pm) dinner I was utterly exhausted and went to take a "nap" that began just after 6 pm and ended just after 9 am today; I was awake for two of those 15 hours.

Today will be a washout here in the Philadelphia area, and I think I've earned a break after busting my tail this week, so I don't have many plans beyond reading for pleasure.

>151 labfs39:, >152 Sakerfalcon: I can't say yesterday was a great day, but we'll have nice weather for most of next week, so good times are ahead.

>153 LolaWalser: Thanks, Lola! Hopefully my cousin will let me know what days she's coming, so that I can book a hotel room and start making other plans. I did renew my annual membership to MoMA, the Museum of Modern Art, so I'll definitely pay a visit there. I haven't seen a play in nearly five years, so I would definitely like to see at least one. There is a great Afghan restaurant in London, Ariana II, located on Kilburn High Road, and when I went there for the first time the owner greeted us (it was either Claire or Bianca), and said that the original Ariana I is located close to MoMA. I love Afghani food, so a visit there will be a must.

It sounds as if you'll need to come to some long-term solution for your mother's care, and sooner rather than later, considering the effects. It could be better for both of you.

Absolutely. The adult daycare center is meant to be nothing more than a temporary solution to keep me from having more nervous breakdowns — if I didn't say so previously I had a severe panic attack on Thursday of last week, the day that I took Mom for a trial visit at the active daycare center — so my mental health is still quite fragile. I'll meet with an estate lawyer on Wednesday, as the next step to getting this process moving. I'll start investigating long term care facilities this week and next, and hopefully by April I can at least start the process of getting her placed somewhere.

>154 avidmom: Thanks, avidmom. Sadly I haven't spent much time exploring the interior of the library, as whenever we go my mother selects a book, and wants to leave immediately, even though I've encouraged her to sit down and enjoy the view. When I arrived there yesterday it was going to close in 30 minutes (it closes at 4 pm Thursdays through Saturdays), so I decided to wait until next week to explore the interior and exterior further.

>155 benitastrnad: Right, Benita. New Jersey Transit express trains from Trenton to Penn Station NY take just over an hour, and we live about 15 minutes from the Trenton Transportation Center, so even a 2-3 day stay in NYC is well worth it.

I wish you well on your move back to Kansas next week. I'm sure this will be a major adjustment for you. How does your old home compare to Tuscaloosa (it has to be much quieter, right?)?

>156 kidzdoc:
Munden is much quieter, but also more busy - just in different ways. My sister lives across the road from my house. (it seems strange to say "my house." I have never owned a home before, so this is a big step for me and the house does need a few repairs.) My cousin lives next door, down the road and the house sits on 3 acres of land. It is almost completely screened from the road by trees my father planted 50 years ago, so it is quiet. My cousin's children, 4 and 6 years old, come to the house every day after they get off the bus (about 4:30 PM) and have cookies and hot chocolate with my mother and now they are doing the same thing with me. The community is active and has a game night every third Friday of the month. We also have a block party every Sunday night starting in June and running until school starts. I have bunches of cousins living in town so there is lots of activity, but there is also ample time for reading, knitting, and the sewing I will be doing to get the house the way I want it.

It is 55 miles from Tuscaloosa to the airport in B'ham and it is 82 miles from Munden to the airport in Lincoln, NE, so it is almost the same difference in travel time to leave town if I want to do so.

I have several high school friends still living in the area with whom I have kept in touch over the years and we get together for coffee and such. I am thinking of gathering them together and doing some day trips to places in Kansas that we have not seen. I think they just need somebody to get things organized and moving. I would like to take a day trip to the National Historical Site at Nicodemus, KS. Nicodemus is an Exoduster town and for two years I drove past it on my way home from the school I was working at during the 1980's. It was not a park service place at the time, but it is now and I want to see what they have done with the town site.

I play the piano for church services every week when I am home and we have lots of pot luck lunches. Groceries are more expensive out in Kansas, as is gasoline, but I won't be paying rent (just have upkeep expenses on the house) and it is reasonable property tax.

When I look at it objectively, I think that I have about 10 more years of active living and should be able to do a bit of traveling. Living in Tuscaloosa or Munden won't make that much difference in that regard. My living expenses will be about the same in both places. The biggest difference will be in my support system as I age. There is no doubt that health care facilities choices out there are much more limited. However, people tend to stay in their homes longer because of community support and other unorganized neighborly support systems. I have lots of relatives living there with young children and it will be that younger generation that will be my support system as I age. This was my deciding factor on where to live now.

On-another-note, at my wine club meeting this last week another one of the couples announced that they are retiring and moving to Memphis. This makes half of our group of 9 faithful oenophiles who have retired in the last two years. It is clear that it is a baby boom thing that is going on all over the U.S. This latest retirement and my leaving town probably means the demise of the group and that is sad. We have been meeting monthly during the academic year for 35 years.

>156 kidzdoc: wasn't as good of a day as it should have been
Well, it was just one day of a significant adjustment. I can imagine the exhaustion, a combination of a different routine and easing up a bit on the stress. Is the daycare weekdays only?

Darryl, I'm so glad you finally got a little time to yourself. There is a weight in being responsible for another person and those temporary breaks in that should serve you well as you make long-term plans. I'm excited about your trip to NYC!

>156 kidzdoc: Glad to hear that you did get some time out of the house and away from your mom (and she had some social time of her own.) I think and hope that things will get better as you start taking care off yourself and make plans for other people to take care of your mother.

Hope the NYC meetup is fun too!

>157 benitastrnad: Sounds like you will have a good support system in place when you need it Benita. I look forward to hearing about your adventures in Kansas.

>157 benitastrnad: Your description of Munden sounds perfect, Benita! It's great to be able to move into a community that you're already a part of and feel completely at home in.

I've come to the realization that the neighborhood my parents live in is definitely not the one of my teenage years and young adulthood. There has been a lot of turnover, and although everyone is perfectly nice, there is no one I can relate to, save for our longtime neighbors two houses down to the east, although they have a foot out of the door, as they are now spending half of the year in their retirement home in Florida.

My brain is literally atrophying here, and I am sorely in need of intellectual stimulation. Yesterday I was thinking that, after my mother is in a long term care facility, I will need to think about moving to a community that has more people that I can relate to, i.e., people who enjoy reading, the fine arts, etc. That will have to be balanced with the cost of housing in this area, and my need to be relatively close to my mother, as there is no one else I trust close by to make sure that she is being well taken care of. I've always thought about retiring to the area between New Brunswick (where Rutgers University, my undergraduate alma mater, is) and Princeton, which isn't far from here, but I'm sure that housing prices there are astronomical, especially in the area immediately surrounding Princeton.

Your comment about only having 10 more years of active living made me gasp, and realize that I'm probably in the same position. I turn 63 two weeks from today, and I probably won't be traveling to the same degree after I turn 75 that I had been before the COVID-19 pandemic. I was certain that I was going to retire to Portugal before my father's sudden deterioration in October 2021 that led to his death two months later, and from that point on my life has not been my own. As much as I would like to, does retiring to Portugal or elsewhere in Europe make any sense anymore? I had planned to retire around the age of 67, but I haven't worked in over two years, and I need to build up my somewhat depleted nest egg a bit more. Do I work from home until I’m 70, or older?

Yes, I did have to look up the definition of oenophile.

>158 qebo: Right, Katherine. I was still exhausted yesterday, and spent a good chunk of the day sleeping. I’m much more awake today, but an afternoon nap is almost certainly in order.

The daycare center is open some Saturdays; this month it’s open from 9 am to 3 pm the next two Saturdays, and every Saturday in April so far. I’ve already made plans to have lunch with a longtime friend from Atlanta this coming Saturday. She moved to Blue Bell, PA, in Montgomery County, about a year ago, but we haven't been able to get together since then.

>159 RidgewayGirl: Thanks, Kay. A weight has definitely been lifted from my shoulders, although I’m still very much bound to my mother. My cousin just told me that she has decided to drive here instead of fly, and since she doesn't know exactly when she’ll come the NYC trip is an uncertain one. She’s been amazing in her support of us, especially last month, so I don't want to put any pressure on her, although I am anxious to know if I’ll be able to make this trip or not. Ultimately I won't be truly free until my mother is in a long term care facility.

>160 markon: Thanks, Ardene. Hopefully the NYC meet up will still happen, although I’m much more pessimistic about it than I was on Friday.

>161 markon: Same here! After a dozen or so years of people living vicariously through my travels and experiences the shoe is now on the other foot.

I almost forgot to mention that the longlist for this year's International Booker Prize will be announced at 2 pm GMT, which is, I think, 10 am EDT. (Don't take my word on that.)

>162 kidzdoc:
It seemed strange to me to think of myself as having a limited active lifestyle span of time, but living with my mother for the last year made me take a hard look at myself and the time I have left. I try to do the things that will extend my lifespan, exercise, eat right, intellectual stimulation, etc., but the reality is that I probably won't have another 20 years, so I am planning on ten. I do want to take some trips and think that one major trip a year is affordable, with other shorter trips in between.

I have spent enough time in Munden to know what I am facing while living there, and I find it slower but pleasant. I know it will work out, but it is hard to leave my friends here in Alabama.

I think that your decision to move your mother to a long term care facility is wise. I was trying to get my mother to make that decision on her own because I didn't feel right about forcing the issue. However, I told her a few days before she died that she needed to make a decision as I had spent a year traveling back and forth and didn't think I could continue to do so for much longer. It was so mentally and physically exhausting for me and I wanted a bit of retirement life for myself. Added to that was the fact that I couldn't continue to maintain two homes 1,200 miles apart. She told me she understood, but she really wanted to stay at home. I was trying to get more hours of in-home health care, but since Kansas does not have Extended Medicare coverage that wasn't going to happen.

I would like to take a trip this summer to Palm Springs, CA. It has always been one of those places I wanted to see, perhaps because of all the 1960's Hollywood glamour, but I don't think that will be in the cards as I will be cleaning out the house in Kansas and then moving from Alabama.

My mother had a big full sized mini-van, and I asked two friends for help moving my spare bed. It fit into the van but I was glad to have the help. I will be driving it and my stoneware dishes back this next week, so that we will have a bed and something to eat off of, when my sister and I get there in June. I have also decided that I want to keep my books and I am willing to pay for moving them. When I get back from this short trip I am going to clean out the closets here in Alabama. One thing I have discovered since I retired is that I don't need as many clothes as I had while working. Goodwill is going to get lots of work clothes (dress suits) from me! I will be happy to say goodbye to them.

>164 benitastrnad: >162 kidzdoc: Regarding travel and retirement. My advice is to do it as soon as you can. After retiring I fell ill with two chronic diseases affecting my ability to travel at all. I’d so planned on traveling during my retirement, but am now housebound. Luckily I traveled extensively when young, but I missed a few countries I had intended to visit. Now all my savings are swallowed up in healthcare, and even going home to the country of my birth is not possible.

Work to live, don’t live to work.

>162 kidzdoc:, >164 benitastrnad:, >165 kjuliff: Yes, this business of becoming fully conscious of the limits of one's active lifespan is hitting me, as well. I turned 68 this past July, and this knowledge of chronological limitations is what fueled, very strongly, my wife's and my decision to circle back to the NY/NJ area of our births and to test the idea of fulfilling spending quality time in New York City. We are now in contract for a coop apartment, with only the approval of the coop board between being able to move in. We've now been here for 9 months our of our year's test run. It's a longish story that I'll write more about on my own thread, but only to say here that I will be 69, best case scenario, when we're moved out of our California home and moved in here. I'm very aware that the time I'll have here is limited. I thank goodness I am healthy for my age, even going to the gym three times a week now. But we built advancing old age into our apartment hunt, actually finding one of the rare NYC apartment buildings without steps, either to get into the front door or in the lobby. We might both be able to walk up steps until we're 95 (who knows?), but we might have friends who can't. Anyway, I'm hoping for 15 decent New York City years.

>166 rocketjk: Sounds like a good plan. The suburbs are not especially friendly to people with mobility issues.

>167 dukedom_enough: You're right, though I haven't lived in the suburbs since I left home for college. The place my wife and I are leaving in California is a small town in an agricultural area of Mendocino County. Definitely rural, not suburban. That comes with its own set of problems as one ages, of course, though the lifestyle is more likely to keep you mobile longer, and the tight-knit community is a helpful element, as well. We had a great 15-year run there that I wouldn't give back for anything, but, the bottom line for my wife and I is that we are at heart both city kids when all is said and done.

Here's the longlist for this year's International Booker Prize:

Not a River by Selva Almada (Argentina), translated by Annie McDermott
Simpatía by Rodrigo Blanco Calderón (Venezuela), translated by Noel Hernández González and Daniel Hahn
Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck (Germany), translated by Michael Hofmann
The Details by Ia Genberg (Sweden), translated by Kira Josefsson
White Nights by Urszula Honek (Poland), translated by Kate Webster
Mater 2-10 by Hwang Sok-yong (South Korea), translated by Sora Kim-Russell and Youngjae Josephine Bae
A Dictator Calls by Ismail Kadare (Albania), translated by John Hodgson
The Silver Bone by Andrey Kurkov (Ukraine), translated by Boris Dralyuk
What I’d Rather Not Think About by Jente Posthuma (the Netherlands), translated by Sarah Timmer Harvey
Lost on Me by Veronica Raimo (Italy), translated by Leah Janeczko
The House on Via Gemito by Domenico Starnone (Italy), translated by Oonagh Stransky
Crooked Plow by Itamar Vieira Junior (Brasil), translated by Johnny Lorenz
Undiscovered by Gabriela Wiener (Peru), translated by Julia Sanches

According to Literary Hub, "The winning author and translator will split a prize of £50,000; the author and translator of each shortlisted title will be awarded £5,000 to split. This year’s shortlist will be announced on April 9th, and the winner will be revealed at a ceremony on May 21."

The only book I'm remotely familiar with is Kairos, as I've read several of Jenny Erpenbeck's previous books and I have a copy of her latest on my Kindle.

This article from the Guardian has much more information about the longlisted books:

Latin American fiction ‘booms’ again on International Booker prize longlist

>164 benitastrnad: Thinking of only having 10 years of active life left is perhaps a bit too pessimistic for me. I’m expecting to live until at least my mid 90s, God willing, so I hope to be able to travel for at least another 15-20 years.

I’ll meet with an estate attorney on Wednesday, which will (finally) get the ball rolling on getting my mother placed into a long term care facility. Unfortunately my father did not purchase long term care insurance for my mother or himself, and I suppose this will limit our options significantly.

>165 kjuliff: Right, Kate. For nearly a decade, from 2009 until the onset of the pandemic in March 201, I spent the majority of my free time traveling throughout western Europe, mostly visiting my friends who I had made online through LibraryThing, including several members in this group. That was easily the best period of my life, and I couldn’t have anticipated that it would be so abruptly taken from me. I certainly hope to resume traveling again after my mother enters a long term care facility, but even in the extreme example that this is no longer possible I can look back and say that I did see many of the places I wanted to and met some great friends along the way.
I’m very sorry that you’re in such a touch situation, Kate.

>166 rocketjk: I’m selfishly happy to read that there is a good chance that you and your wife will be able to retire to NYC, Jerry. I’ll have to take a hard look to see what my options might hold.

>167 dukedom_enough: The suburbs are not especially friendly to people with mobility issues.

Hmm. That’s a great point, Michael. I know that there are independent living communities within the city of Atlanta that provide transportation, and that is probably a much more feasible option than moving to a suburb.

>168 rocketjk: I also hope that you and your wife have at least 15 good years left to enjoy NYC.

When was it that we officially became old AF?!

Regarding the 2024 International Booker Prize longlist I requested three titles from the Free Library of Philadelphia, The Details by Ia Genberg, What I'd Rather Not Think About by Jente Posthuma, and The House on Via Gemito by Domenica Starnone. I already have a copy of Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck on my Kindle, so I'll start reading it early next week.

>164 benitastrnad: Benita, Palm Springs is lovely, but do not visit in the summer unless you enjoy sauna-like temperatures. It is a nice place for a break from winter.

>169 kidzdoc: Oh, no, all of those books entice me, especially the new Domenico Starnone. So much for my year of reading without plan or lists.

>170 kidzdoc: The community my father now lives in combines single-level duplexes and apartments along with assisted living and a nursing home. Many of the places are occupied by people who are off traveling through the winter or most of year, but have a place to come back to along with services that will adjust to changing needs. It's working well for my father and will probably extend his life, given that it has a great gym set-up that is manned by physical therapists. My MIL is in a similar place in Princeton Junction and enjoys living there.

>170 kidzdoc: Thanks Darryl. I’m getting used to my condition. Never one to accept things I’ve learned to do so. Regarding travel, I’m a traveler at heart and was lucky to be able to travel overland from Australia to the UK when young. So I saw Iran and Afghanistan when they were peaceful places. My heart though remains in India. My brother actually lived there for a year or two when he decided to forsake all worldly goods. He lived with the poor, and on returning to Australia continued living with only the bare necessities.

Hi Darryl - I'm glad things are going well. I thought your first day out sounded ambitious - I think I would have spent most of the day sleeping. I know you have most probably been sleeping nights for quite a while with 'one ear open' in case your mother awakes. I was happy to hear that you have been getting naps on subsequent days.

Pittsburgh, hmmm. My son and his wife moved there in January, so I might be actually able to join in a meetup some day.

I just detailed on Joe's thread how I spent hours perusing the International Booker List, comparing those of interest to what's available through my library system and which countries would help along my global reading challenge. I ended up requesting Undiscovered by Gabriela Wiener (Peru) and The Silver Bone by Andrey Kurkov (Ukraine). It was a hard decision since I have not read anything by Jenny Erpenbeck.

I will be 68 this summer. I am not only living by myself, but still raising a few horses. I currently have ten, including a stallion and several rather unpredictable youngsters. It's driving my son nuts, and I know my time doing this is probably limited. This week I took a major step and enrolled in the LifeAlert system (Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!). I'm just using the outdoor system right now although I had to enroll in the indoor system, too. I keep that buzzer looped around my lamp near my bed. It's time to start selling down a bit.

>156 kidzdoc: That was quite a day Darryl, you definitely needed and deserved that long sleep.

I think it is natural that plans evolve, I suspect few people end up with exactly the retirement plans they thought they would have when they were envisioning them, for all sorts of reasons. I'm sure you will make something that will suit your desires and needs as you mve forward.

Enjoy your little cultural break. I look forward to hearing about it.

>172 RidgewayGirl: That is an interesting longlist, Kay. I especially look forward to the four books written by South American authors, along with Jenny Erpenbeck's latest novel. None of the books I requested from the Free Library of Philadelphia have arrived in my local branch yet.

Your father's and MIL's living arrangements sound ideal. I'll have to give some serious thought, ad get good advice, when it comes time to move from this house after my mother is admitted into an assisted living facility.

>173 kjuliff: That's quite impressive about your brother, Kate.

>174 streamsong: I am slowly catching up on sleep, Janet. I'll receive my new CPAP machine on Monday afternoon — I was diagnosed with moderate obstructive sleep apnea last month — and I'll be curious to see how much of a difference it makes.

The longlisted books I requested were ones that seemed to be the most readily available from the Free Library of Philadelphia system. However, it's also possible that the books aren't actually in the system yet. If I don't receive notifications that any of them are available by the end of Saturday then I'll look for other longlisted books.

>175 Caroline_McElwee: I'm part of a weekly support group for caregivers with dementia, and I was able to express the deep anger and resentment I still have toward my father, who stubbornly fought my suggestions to pay for the help that he obviously needed to care for my mother and himself, as he developed (not so) mild cognitive impairment in the last few months of his life. Had he took up my offers, or listened to me when I told him repeatedly that I would have to turn my life upside down, i.e., quit working, move back home, etc., to care for Mom if he forgot to take his anti-epileptic medications, I have no doubt that he would be alive today, and he and my mother could have shared several more years together. My father's closest friend and our dear neighbor said that the theme song for his funeral should have been "My Way," as sung by (who else?) Frank Sinatra, as he left us on his own terms. However, what this means is that I may not have the same opportunity, and that knowledge is, unfortunately, making me view Mom more as a burden to borne, rather than a loving and devoted mother who needs my love and understanding now more than ever. Fortunately the other members of the group nodded their heads in sympathy and understanding, and I quickly realized that I was the ungrateful monster that I thought I was.

I will bring this up when I see my psychotherapist this afternoon.

The proposed birthday meet up in NYC almost certainly won't happen, due to my lawyer cousin's busy schedule. I did, however, make lunch plans tomorrow with a good friend of mine from Atlanta who moved to the Philadelphia area recently, so that will be nice.

>176 kidzdoc: "I'll receive my new CPAP machine on Monday afternoon — I was diagnosed with moderate obstructive sleep apnea last month — and I'll be curious to see how much of a difference it makes.
"

Darryl, I've been dealing with sleep apnea for quite some time. It took me a while to get used to wearing a mask at night, but I stuck with it and now I'm fully used to it. While wearing the mask can still be a burden at times (like when you have a head cold), my sleep is much, much better when I wear the mask through the night than on those rare nights that for some reason or other, I don't. I did have trouble with the straight CPAP, which sends a steady stream of air, because I'd end up with cramps from the excess air, but once I switched to a BiPAP, an ingenious improvement that actually matches your breathing pattern, things improved immensely. So either way, try to stick with the machine. As you know, sleep apnea is linked to all sorts of bad outcomes, including heart disease and increased risk of demential. I'm glad you're getting such good care.

>177 rocketjk: Thanks for your useful comments, Jerry. My new cardiologist here wanted me to have a home sleep apnea test, after he learned that I had atrial fibrillation; I saw an sleep medicine physician in Atlanta after I was diagnosed with A-fib, but he quickly dismissed that possibility and said that I didn't need to be tested for it. (My physicians in Atlanta, save for my second cardiologist, were all but completely useless.) However, the sleep medicine physician I saw here in January asked the same questions, and thought that I should have one done. I had no idea that the test could be performed at home, which meant that I didn't need to go to a sleep lab and have someone watch my mother that night and the following morning.

As you said, I am getting excellent care from Capital Health, the healthcare organization whose services I'm mainly tied into.

I'm nearly halfway through An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, a prominent clinical psychologist now on the faculty of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine who is a leading authority on bipolar (manic-depressive} disorder, both because she has studied it and because she has had a severe case of it since she was a young teenager. As I probably mentioned I'm re-reading it now, in large part because I was diagnosed with severe bipolar I disorder with psychotic features last month. This particular quotation from the book hit home for me, as one of my residency professors suggested that I might be able to get rid of one of the "ists", my psychiatrist or my psychotherapist, in the near future:

At this point in my existence, I cannot imagine leading a normal life without taking lithium and having had the benefits of psychotherapy. Lithium prevents my seductive but disastrous highs, diminishes my depressions, clears out the wool and webbing from my disordered thinking, slows me down, gentles me out, keeps me from ruining my career and relationships, keeps me out of a hospital, alive, and makes psychotherapy possible. But, ineffably, psychotherapy heals. It makes some sense of the confusion, reins in the terrifying thoughts and feelings, returns some control and hope and possibility of learning from it all. Pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times. Psychotherapy is a sanctuary; it is a battleground; it is a place I have been psychotic, neurotic, elated, confused, and despairing beyond belief. But, always, it is where I have believed—or have learned to believe—that I might someday be able to contend with all of this.

No pill can help me deal with the problem of not wanting to take pills; likewise, no amount of psychotherapy alone can prevent my manias and depressions. I need both. It is an odd thing, owing life to pills, one’s own quirks and tenacities, and this unique, strange, and ultimately profound relationship called psychotherapy.

.

Good news: I had a lovely pre-birthday lunch with a longtime friend of mine from Atlanta, who recently moved to the Philadelphia area.

Better news: To my great surprise, my cousin from Michigan actually is coming here this week, so that I can take a mini-vacation after all. I just made reservations in the Doubletree by Hilton New York Times Square South, a short walk from Penn Station, and I'll plan to arrive there on Friday afternoon and leave on Monday morning.

I didn't think Tina was coming, so I haven't given much thought to what I would like to do, but ideally I'd like to go to a jazz club, see a play, and go to at least one museum exhibition, particularly The Harlem Renaissance and Transatlantic Modernism show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I recently renewed my membership to MoMA, the Museum of Modern Art, so I'll want to make at least one morning visit there, especially at 9:30 am on Saturday and Sunday, as those are the days that members and their guests (who can purchase discounted tickets if accompanied by a member) can visit the museum early before the, um, unwashed hordes stream in; I certainly remember the times when I was a member that you could tell when 10:30 am, the time for general admission began, as there was a swarm of entrants to the most popular exhibitions!

Hopefully no one will be offended, but, given the short amount of time I'll be in NYC, and my inability to go to the city as I could when I wasn't my mother's primary caregiver, I will be quite inflexible about certain aspects of this vacation, e.g., waiting to go to MoMA until later in the morning to accomodate others' wishes. I painfully remember reluctantly agreeing to the often quixotic requests of one particularly obnoxious member of the 75 Books group — don't worry, she has not posted on any of my Club Read threads for many years, and she isn't a member of this group — who was a miserable person who seemed to enjoy sharing her misery with others. I very highly doubt that anyone else will be that thoughtless, though!

Unfortunately I'm walking with a bit of pain lately, which is coming from the base of my right Achilles tendon close to its insertion with my heel bone, which makes walking and especially climbing stairs, especially into and out of subway stations, a bit of a slower go than usual. Other than my own quirky comments I hope to meet up with at least some of you next weekend!

I'm afraid this is a bit too tight of a turn around for me to fly down, but I hope you have a wonderful time and please take photos with the LTers you do meet up with while there. Enjoy!

>182 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa! I was afraid that this was too short of a notice for you; unfortunately, due to my cousin's busy court schedule, and the fact that she is taking on new clients on a nearly daily basis, including weekends at times, as a court appointed defense attorney, she has a hard time giving me much advance notice on when she's coming unless she has already blocked off time for taking new cases and her current clients don't need her at those times. Unfortunately my ability to travel freely and with sufficient advance notice won't come until my mother is in an assisted living facility.

No worries, I'll catch up with you soon. Have fun!

Looking forward to seeing you, Darryl. I would love to see that MoMA exhibit. Let's see if we can make that work.

>181 kidzdoc: Have a wonderful time in NY! And going early to the MOMA is a good call. When I lived in the vicinity, I tried for early mornings too: it was less about the hordes being unwashed and more about them blocking my view of the paintings because they were filming themselves or taking photos in front of them. I don't want to sound like a grumpy old so and so, but I do think museums should consider designated 'Tik Tok' time zones so that the rest of us can actually see the paintings.

Ooooh, my two favorite museums! I am a fan of the Met Museum's late Friday and Sat hours (open until 9 pm). That exhibit will still be crazy crowded, but the rest of the museum might be a little quieter. I could also make an early MoMA visit, but am not a member, so will have to depend on someone else for access.

Hi Darryl! I am so glad you have found daytime help with your mom and that you are looking for a 24-hour solution. I think your doctor's quote was spot on -- "Your mother doesn't need you as her aide; she needs you as her devoted son." I hope you have fantastic time in NY and I am glad you have other fun things coming up. You deserve it all.

Darryl, I'm so happy you will get this trip and absolutely you should make sure you get to do what you want.

>184 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa! I look forward to seeing you again in the not too distant future.

>185 rocketjk: Same here, Jerry! Sorry that I haven't been online sooner today. Were you referring to the Harlem Renaissance at the Met, or one or more of the exhibitions at MoMA? Both of those museums are on my "must do" list.

I haven't checked yet, but are there any jazz sessions that you feel are worth checking out?

>186 rv1988: Thanks, Rasdhar! I was joking about the unwashed hordes. I was being a bit cynically snobby about the view that many New Yorkers have about those who don't live there, as I have never resided there, either. I was born in nearby Jersey City, which to me is essentially the same as growing up in NYC, given its proximity to Lower and Midtown Manhattan. However, I know that many New Yorkers refer to people from New Jersey as lesser beings than they!

I also dislike the tendency of people visiting museums to photograph themselves in front of particular paintings, or simply photograph each one instead of studying them, and especially talking about them with a friend or stranger. You can find many of those images in a museum catalog, so what's the point of going if that's all you're going to do?

*shudders at the mention of Tik Tok*

>187 ELiz_M: That sounds great, Liz! Should we plan to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibition at the Met on either Friday or Saturday night, and visit MoMA Saturday and/or Sunday morning? I'll have to be sure that I can access my MoMA membership card on something like Google Wallet, assuming that I don't receive the actual card in the mail by Thursday, and if so I should be able to use it for the two of us. Who else should we invite: Jerry, of course, but also Vivian S? Lisa Peet? Katie Krug? Anyone else?

>188 Berly: Thanks, Kim!

>189 RidgewayGirl: Thanks, Kay. Yes, after bending over backwards to accommodate the unreasonable requests of one person, while ignoring everyone else's wishes, caused those NYC meetups (at least two) into largely unpleasant experiences and a lot of animosity between those who liked her and those (like me) who didn't, so much so that it essentially meant an end to our group meetups in the city. Thankfully nothing even remotely close to that has happened since then.

I'm so looking forward to traveling vicariously through you again! 😁

>190 kidzdoc: Ah, yes. I meant the Met exhibit. And if you want to go uptown, much more off the beaten path, there are the Schomburg Center on 135th and Malcolm X Blvd (https://www.nypl.org/locations/schomburg) and the Hispanic Museum and Library at Broadway and 156th. The former is more of a research center for African American Culture that also has art exhibits, and the latter had astounding art displayed the one time I was there. Anyway, you may have your hands full, museum-wise, the MOMA and the Met.

As for jazz, well, sure. Every night we can find a dozen shows worth checking out. There is a monthly free magazine called The New York City Jazz Record that posts each edition online in pdf format and which has the best, most comprehensive performance calendar I've found, with nicely comprehensive daily listings. Here's their website. See if there's anything on the days you'll be here that is particularly interesting to you, and then we can look into tickets, depending on how many of the LT gang want to attend: www.nycjazzrecord.com. You just have to scroll through until you see the calendar pages.

>191 avidmom: Thanks, avidmom!

>192 rocketjk: Thanks for the link, Jerry! Given the late hour I'll read it tomorrow, but I definitely would like your thoughts on who you would recommend, and who you would like to see.

From past vacations, especially to London, I learned to not try to pack in too much into a day, maybe one museum exhibition during the day, a play or musical/modern dance performance in the evening, and lunch and/or dinner in between, with a possible break for a midday nap or other old timer break. I'll have two days (Sat, Sun) and three evenings (Fri, Sat, Sun) there, so I'm thinking of at least one morning visit to MoMA, one evening visit to the Met, one jazz performance, probably in the evening, and one or two plays. I haven't looked at all of the theatre offerings, but I would definitely like to see The Ally at the Public Theater, which has a smattering of tickets. There are actually so few tickets left that I'm very tempted to just get one today or tomorrow before they are sold out; it probably makes the most sense to go on Sunday night.

ETA: I read the interactive graph of available tickets for The Ally wrong; there are actually plenty of seats for Sunday's performance at 7 pm, but not for Friday or Saturday.

Oh, yeah...this is a site about books. I have no more than 20 pages left to go in An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, which I first read in the late 1990s. I rated it 5 stars at that time, and it will earn that rating again today.

I'm still waiting for the three International Booker Prize longlisted novels I requested from the Free Library of Philadelphia to arrive. I did place a hold on Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families from our county library system, and I recently purchased a copy of Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate by Jor-El Carabello, so those will be the books I read next.

>190 kidzdoc: Invite everyone, I say.

This could be a nice spot for a mid-day break / casual get-together:
https://www.bibliothequenyc.com/the-space

Or, if you end up all the way uptown (or in the Bronx):
http://www.thelitbar.com/pull-up

I've never been to either, so I don't know if they get crowded.

Darryl I'm so excited that you'll be able to get to NYC and do some of the things you love! I expect you'll feel like a kid in a candy store when you arrive, with all the sights and sounds that you've been away from for so long. I really hope you can accomplish all the things on your wish list and meet up with some good friends too. Done right, a short break can feel like a much longer holiday. I hope you have a wonderful time!

I am also very happy that you are going to take a break and head to the Big Apple!!!

I am back in Kansas and got the bed unloaded from the 1,200 mile ride from Alabama. My cousin and his wife, live next door, and they were happy to spend 2 hours helping me move it into the bedroom here. It looks very nice in the room and now I can have guests here when I am here. Today I am going to unpack my dishes and repack the wonderful U-Haul dish pack boxes with my mother's stoneware. It is going to my nephew who is here in Kansas until Wednesday. He will take them back with him and use them. It makes me happy to know that he has some of his grandmother's things. I was really worried that since all of my mother's grandchildren live so far away that they wouldn't be interested in having any of her things.

I know it is hard for you to reconcile your feelings about the rapid decline of your parents. It has been that way for me. Last night I found myself waking up at 4 AM thinking about what I could have done differently for my mother so that she could have been home longer with me. I should have just moved out of my house in Alabama and put my stuff in storage. I wish she had gotten that Shingles shot. I should have pushed harder and followed up more aggressively regarding the shot, as I am sure that Shingles contributed to her fairly rapid decline etc., etc. Then right on those thoughts I went right into things I still needed to do regarding her death. Things like her taxes, etc. before I can go back to Alabama. Then I bounced right back into, hoping that the people here in town don't think I was just waiting for her to die, etc. etc. I keep telling myself to be kind to myself, but it is hard to keep those niggling guilty thoughts at bay. From what you write here, I know that you are doing the same things.

I am sure that if it weren't for my mother's so rapid decline I would not have retired. Continuing to work for another two years would have allowed me to have a noticeably better retirement check and retiring cost me a certain amount of lifestyle comforts due to the reduction in my anticipated retirement income. Like you, my plans for my life was changed as well. I hope that more time will allow me to find some more equilibrium with decisions that I feel were forced on me.

In the meantime, I do have to confess that I have a million dollar view of unimpeded prairie skyline each morning that I sit down at the dining room table for coffee at my Prairie Redoubt. That is an unexpected pleasure at this time in my life. One of these days I will join you for an LT weekend in NYC. I have never been there, but I think that plane fare to that big of a city would be doable.

>195 ELiz_M: Those midday spots sound good, Liz! At this point it looks as though it will only be you, Jerry, his wife Steph, and me. I would prefer a smaller group, and that's probably for the best on such short notice, anyway.

Jerry, Steph and I all want to see The Ally at the Public Theater. The only performance this weekend that has sufficient seats is the Sunday 7 pm performance, which probably won't let out until roughly 10 pm. I just checked, and there are plenty of seats in the back row on several sides of the particular theater within the Public. The three of us are thinking of seeing Allison Miller's band Boom Tic Boom perform on the Upper West Side on evening, but I think we have to check dates first. If we do that on either Friday or Saturday night that leaves the other night open to go to the Met to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibition. It sounds as if we'll go to MoMA either Saturday or Sunday morning. So, that seems to leave one open spot, the morning that we don't go to MoMA, unless there is enough to go both mornings, which is entirely possible, but I'm open to any and all suggestions you have.

BTW, are there any plays in the city you would highly recommend?

I'll send you a PM through LibraryThing with my mobile number; at this point that is probably the most convenient way for the three of us to communicate with each other.

>196 Sakerfalcon: Thanks, Claire! Given my recent diagnosis it's probably best for me to build in plenty of potential breaks into this weekend, and not try to do too much, especially since it's been nearly five years since my last visit to NYC. I don't have to necessarily see every exhibition I want to, especially since quick day trips into the city are always possible whenever Tina visits us.

>197 benitastrnad: Congratulations on your successful relocation to Kansas, Benita! That must be a great relief, and a significant weight off of your shoulders.

My feelings about both parents are...complicated. I'm working through a great deal of anger toward my late father, as I correctly predicted that I would be placed in this situation if he did not allow me to give him the help he obviously needed, but he fought both me and my brother tooth and nail whenever we made any suggestions that questioned his judgment or independence. Up until the last month or two of his life he was mentally competent, so no judge would have allowed me to supersede his ability to make decisions for himself or my mother. However, I found out recently that he confided to my cousin and closest neighbor that he was tired and wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out, not long before the prolonged seizure that ultimately led to his death. Had he only been more honest and less stubborn with me I would have dropped everything, moved back in with them, and cared for both of them, with assistance, until I could have gotten them situated into an assisted living facility. My psychotherapist is trying to get me to look past that, but it's admittedly hard, because my life was turned upside down and my future plans have been permanently altered, when it didn't have to happen if my father had only listened to me.

Although my mother says that she enjoys going to the adult daycare center she seems to resent me taking her there, instead of being her full time carer, chauffeur, servant boy, etc., and she has been a bit difficult to deal with, especially in the afternoons after I pick her up from the center. I had had it by early evening, and, although I'm not proud to say so, I yelled at her and told her to stop putting so much pressure on me. She seemed to get the message, and she stopped "playing games" with me as she has done in the distant and recent past. My cousin Tina is the one who determined that my mother was "playing us" at times, and I now see what she is talking about.

>198 kidzdoc:
I understand that "playing games" thing. My mother did the same thing to me. She also played the guilt card very effectively. There are three daughters in my family and my mother really wanted my sister to care for her, but my sister wouldn't budge from her life, so I gave in and retired. I had thought to keep working for another two years, so that I could have retired with 35 years instead of 32, but I am OK with the decision to retire earlier than planned.

I think there are stages to this kind of family care, like the stages of grief. I think that in the year I have been driving back and forth I have worked through the anger stage. I knew that my mother needed to be in a total care facility, but she didn't. I gave in to her wishes and brought her home in hopes that she would realize that she needed more care than I could give her. She never came to that point. She just kept demanding more and more and I got more angry with her each time I returned. This last time I came back in December, I told her that I would stay here for three months and during that time she had to make a decision about total care. She never did.

I felt like my life was in limbo because even though I already owned the house and had been paying taxes, insurance, etc on it for ten years, I felt that I could not move into it until she gave me permission to do so. She never did. She loved her home and I didn't want to take that away from her so I gave in and brought her home. The last week of her life was terrible. I got no sleep and she didn't either. I was tired, angry, and saw only a longer period of waiting. Two days before she died I told her that I had to go back to Alabama and that she had to make a decision. After I told her that, I left the house and spent an entire day in Lincoln, NE - on my own drinking coffee and reading and doing some shopping. There was alot of yelling that day and I am not happy about that and feel like the last thoughts she had of me weren't good ones. I put her to bed that night and she only left the bed for short periods the next day. It is a terrible thing to feel like you are just waiting for somebody to die so that you can get on with your life. Or have a life. In this you are not alone. Many of us have experienced this emotion. I want to think that I gave my mother the care that she wanted, but I fear that I didn't. I am not a nurse. It is not my vocation and I feel that I was forced into that mode. I was not a good nurse. I knew that and she knew it. I feel like I failed in that regard. However, I also think that I did the best I could do with my limited talents in that direction. What I am working through now, as I think you are also, is the guilt that I feel because I wasn't what my mother needed. Your therapist is correct in that your mother needs a loving son. I know that is what you want to be and I sincerely believe, after my experience, that is what you need to be.

The decisions my family made about the house were made back in 2010 when both of my parents were in good health and mind. I appreciate that they did that when they did. It has made distribution of their worldly goods much easier. We still have to clean out the house and all three of us will end up with some portion of the contents of the house. My sister who teaches high school will come for the summer and we will clean out the house. After that I will be free to move in. I plan to make the move in September. At that point I will move my furniture and books (always the books) to Kansas and then I will be permanently at home in the Prairie Redoubt. I will be leaving good friends and a huge library to which I still have access, but it is time for a change.

You don't have to make a snap decision about your parents home. You can take a bit of time to do that. You will need some breathing space after you get your mother moved into a care facility. It might a good time to think about a week in NYC or New Orleans. This would take you different surroundings and that would help you to think about things in a different frame. Then come back and make decisions about the dispassion of your parents home.

I also find a bit of a parallel between you and me regarding our siblings. I harbored some resentment toward my sister (the school teacher) because she would not go back to Kansas to help deal with our mother's needs. She flat out told me to stop trying to make her feel guilty. At Christmas this year I mentioned to my mother that it was strange that my sister didn't come for Christmas and my mother told me that "she had so much on her plate already that she needn't bother with traveling that far." You can imagine my incredulity because I had just driven 1,200 miles to be in Kansas in time to have my mother in her house for Christmas.

If my mother had said that about my other sister I would have been able to understand that. She (my sister who lives here) had her hip replaced in May. In June her husband went into the hospital with diabetes and liver/kidney failure and died in July. He left the family finances in a godawful mess and the fallout from that is still happening. She definitely had plenty on her plate, and still does, so I knew there would be little help from that quarter.

All this has made it a real roller coaster of a year for me, so as always, I find my refuge in books. All kinds of books. But today, I have to go get my mother's taxes for 2023 done.

>197 benitastrnad:, >198 kidzdoc:

Even though my parents put many of the pieces in place (will, power of attorney, end-of-life directive, moved into a graduated retirement community), my father's stroke during COVID set off a cascade that kept the family in emergency mode for a year and a half. I am grateful that I have a job with a flexible schedule and a supportive employer, but if I don't work then I don't get paid, and I lost a lot of income especially that first year what with a bazillion meetings and emails and phone calls and medical consultations and extra tasks to get my mother re-situated. There was no space to grieve for my father who died 7 months later, because so much attention had to go to my mother; my father was stoic and in professional hands (and visits were restricted because of COVID) and my mother was stranded in a townhouse away from the main building which has 24/7 staff and hosts events, alone and unsafe and scared. So I am still digging out, and still carry some resentment and guilt, and I'm drained, and I feel that I need to keep trudging forth because things have to get done. And I turned 65 last year so retirement is on my mind but I don't have the mental energy to plan.

In retrospect, my brothers and I should have stepped in a few years prior, but we've talked about this and concluded that our parents were stubbornly independent and would've rejected all efforts. I imagine that it's very difficult for parents to make the mental shift to letting their children be caretakers. For example, we had all, separately, offered to do their grocery shopping when COVID hit, and they said no, and instead went grocery shopping at 6am every Sunday during the old people hour. They had been on the waitlist for an apartment in the main building for two years, but kept turning down the available options as flawed in one manner or another, which was a bit exasperating but always sounded fairly rational. If they had moved when they were able, my mother could have formed social ties and we could have enlisted staff to help her live semi-independently for another year or two. We discovered after the fact that my father had been covering for her mental deterioration, e.g. taking on responsibility for the finances which had always been her territory, and doing small daily tasks such as setting the alarm clock. (A frightening and enlightening episode of the immediate aftermath: my mother, former director of a library department, known for her information management skills, could not understand, after an hour of instruction, how to set an alarm clock that worked exactly liked every other alarm clock on earth.) Some of the covering was probably automatic, not intentionally secretive, but they were also sheltering us and denying signs of mortality, and the consequence was a sudden shock.

>198 kidzdoc: My feelings about both parents are...complicated.

Yeah, you have all of the above significantly magnified as you quit your job and moved and have had to summon patience and vigilance 24/7. It is no wonder that you are feeling the strain, and good that you are finding ways to continue forth with your own life.

Enjoy the New York meetup!

>199 benitastrnad:, >200 qebo: I'm sorry that you both have also had to go through this unfastened rollercoaster ride with your parents, Benita and Katherine. To outsiders we probably sound like inconsiderate and uncaring monsters, but we know better.

Last night a good friend of mine posted a video on her Facebook timeline, which included this famous quote from former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt:

It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

The speaker, Dr Brené Brown of the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Houston, aptly said that only those who are or were in the arena, in our case, caregivers, get to criticize other members who are doing battle (in our case, with dementia and old age) within it; criticisms from those who haven't are not valid.

On a more positive note, the NYC birthday weekend meet up is now taking shape, with one or probably two morning visits to MoMA, the Museum of Modern Art, on Saturday and Sunday, a Saturday evening visit to the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art to see The Harlem Renaissance and Transatlantic Modernism exhibition, and ending with a play, The Ally, at the Public Theater. I don't want to overbook myself, as I'll have my hands full with caring for my mother, and her increased demands, before I leave, and I'll sure she'll be angry at me for leaving her this weekend after I return, even though her beloved niece Tina will spend it with her.

>201 kidzdoc: Similarly, the caregivers of ill children are judged, castigated, and given reams of unhelpful, unuseful, and barbed advice. It wasn't until I joined a caregiver support group that I understood how important it is to have people around that are in the trenches too and understand the reality of the situation. I'm so glad you have been able to find a similarly supportive group.

>203 labfs39: Exactly, Lisa. I felt comfortable expressing my anger and bitterness to the members of the weekly dementia support group I belong to, and, as I expected, the members, and the psychologist who facilitates the group, were sympathetic of my plight, because essentially all of them had felt the same way at one point or another.

>199 benitastrnad: I had meant to elaborate on these comments earlier, but I didn't.

It is a terrible thing to feel like you are just waiting for somebody to die so that you can get on with your life. Or have a life. In this you are not alone.

Yes. I'm very sad and ashamed to say that these thoughts have now crept into my mind in the past week or so, for the first time. They aren't there all the time, or even most of the time, but they weren't there at all before the aftermath of my cousin leaving after my nervous breakdown last month.

I want to think that I gave my mother the care that she wanted, but I fear that I didn't. I am not a nurse. It is not my vocation and I feel that I was forced into that mode. I was not a good nurse. I knew that and she knew it. I feel like I failed in that regard. However, I also think that I did the best I could do with my limited talents in that direction.

Yes, again. A frequent source of irritation are the job feelers and phone calls of interest I receive at least twice a week, from healthcare organizations who view my profile on LinkedIn or Doximity and see that I have over 20 years of experience as a pediatric hospitalist (inpatient pediatrician) with one organization, which is essentially unheard of, as hospital medicine is a relatively new field in the United States. Some of the offers are financially very enticing, and in probably 5-6 years I would make up the income I've lost from not working the past 2+ years. I, of course, have to turn down these offers, whether by phone or text message, and lately I'm occasionally tempted to say, "I'm sorry that I am unable to consider your generous offer of a job, as I'm stuck in my parents' house wiping my demented mother's butt, due to my late father's stubbornness and (his word, not mine) assholism." The skills and knowledge that I learned and acquired in medical school, residency, and as an attending physician are being completely wasted at this time, and another source of unintended but frequent irritation is the messages I regularly get from my partners, colleagues, and nurses saying how much they miss me working there.

All I can do is continue to pray for understanding and forgiveness, for me and my father, but lately it's been exceptionally hard to do so.

Tonight would be a good night to document my feelings in the mood journal that my psychotherapist has recommended, which has been therapeutic whenever I've done so. I'll take a deep dive into Self-Care for Black Men before I do so.

*finishes prolonged episode of insufferable whining*

What would really be insufferable is if you had to go through what you're going through without venting. No matter how much we love someone, they can put heavy burdens on us that can't be waved away. Venting about that doesn't mean being an uncaring monster--on the contrary.

I mentioned a way back that I was worried about my mother and planning to move back to be able to help her (or help out with her...). She was then taking care of my grandmother, which took a terrible toll on her. My grandmother was a... figure out of fairy tales. Iron will doesn't begin to describe it. Even after old age bent her near-six-feet frame, just a look from her could slash my mum to pieces. She absolutely refused any mention not just of placement in a home, but any other help. After my grandmother died, my mum recovered to the point that she is now renovating her house and publishing a book. It doesn't mean that she didn't love my grandmother, it goes to show that she cared so much she nearly destroyed herself.

You are loving, caring, and very brave to share your "negative" moments. Please don't be ashamed to vent about them because everyone has them and those who vent do most to dispel them.

>201 kidzdoc: To outsiders we probably sound like inconsiderate and uncaring monsters

Not so. It is healthy to recognize that you are in an unhealthy situation and vocalize it. I have two close friends who struggle with this - one with a parent and one with a spouse. It is hard to watch, and hard to know what I can do to be supportive, other than listen and offer a few hours of respite on occasion.

What Lola said applies to you and Benita and qebo:

You are loving, caring, and very brave to share your "negative" moments. Please don't be ashamed to vent about them because everyone has them and those who vent do most to dispel them.

Happy Birthday, Darryl! I hope you are having a great weekend and the storm didn't mess things up.

Happy birthday, Darryl.

Happy birthday, Darryl!

Hope the rain stops for your birthday Darryl

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, fellow Ram, happy spring!

Happy birthday! :)

Happy birthday, Darryl! I'm sorry I missed catching up with you here in New York, and even more regretful that I've been off the site for a couple of months and missed adding my voice to the support you've gotten here. All well and good to take a bit of a digital detox, but we all have real relationships here, to one extent or another, and reading back over people's threads and the events in their life (which will probably take me a few days) reminds me that this is a real, and important, way to stay connected.

I appreciate your sharing so honestly here, too. I was having a bit of a hard time early this year, nothing compared to what you went through, but I tend to shut down when I feel that way... and that doesn't do me any favors. So thank you for inadvertently nudging me back by reaching out about your NYC visit. Even if we didn't connect here, it had good repercussions. And I hope (expect) we'll be able to make some plans for next time you're in town.

>206 LolaWalser: Thanks, Lola. The dementia support group I belong to has been a great avenue for its members to express their frustrations, concerns and fears, in a sympathetic setting that often times provides real world advice or solutions. Our last session was earlier this afternoon, and I was able to use my medical background to provide advice and guidance to two of the members of the group. The psychologist who leads the group will often look at me if anything medical in nature comes up, and I’ll provide information whenever I have firm knowledge in that area, although I’m also quick to state when I’m not sure or don’t know about something.

Wow…your grandmother was quite a woman! Although I’m not glad to hear that she died, it sounds as though your mother (and maybe yourself?) needed a reprieve from her.

You are loving, caring, and very brave to share your "negative" moments. Please don't be ashamed to vent about them because everyone has them and those who vent do most to dispel them.

I greatly appreciate that very kind sentiment, Lola. I do need to get back to discussing and reviewing books, though!

>207 markon: Not so. It is healthy to recognize that you are in an unhealthy situation and vocalize it. I have two close friends who struggle with this - one with a parent and one with a spouse. It is hard to watch, and hard to know what I can do to be supportive, other than listen and offer a few hours of respite on occasion.

What you’re doing for your friends is probably exactly what they needed, Ardene. My beloved cousin was able to spend this past Wednesday evening through Monday afternoon here, and as a result I had the first true vacation I’ve had in nearly five years (more on this soon). Although I was only gone from Friday evening until Monday morning that brief respite was exactly what I needed, and it allowed me to return and resume a much more loving and caring relationship with my mother, which was invaluable in and of itself.

>208 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa! Saturday was a near complete washout, so I decided to spend the entire day, from mid morning to mid evening, in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, thinking that far fewer people would want to brave the elements to visit a museum: wrong! Maybe some of the Americans stayed away, but not visitors from Europe and other countries. It’s also been many years since I’ve visited The Met, as compared to my far more frequent visits to MoMA, and one big and disappointing difference is that there were far fewer places to sit in peace and relax in The Met. It was still a great day, though, as I met Liz (Eliz_m) and Jerry (rocketjk) to see The Harlem Renaissance and Transatlantic Modernism exhibition, which was superb. It’s on until July 28, so there is an excellent chance I’ll see it at least once more, especially since I can get from my house to NYC by car and train in under two hours.

>209 jessibud2:, Thanks, Shelley!

>210 bell7: Thanks, Mary! I’ll definitely keep you and others in mind the next time we meet up in NYC. It was a bit of a last minute trip, as I had no idea that my cousin was going to be able to come here until four days before she did fly here.

>211 kjuliff: Thanks, Kate. It was raining steadily when I arrived at The Met at around 10:30 am Saturday morning, and the rain appeared to just be ending by the time Jerry and I parted outside of the museum at 8:30 pm. Fortunately Sunday was a far better and completely dry day.

>212 RidgewayGirl:, >213 LolaWalser:, >214 AnnieMod: Thanks, Kay, Lola and Annie!

>215 lisapeet: Thanks, Lisa. No apologies needed; you’ve had quite a bit on your plate, from what I understand, and I haven’t been very good about keeping up with others’ threads, especially after I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder early last month. What is different with me at least as much as anyone else I know on LibraryThing is that I’ve met several dozen members, at least 50, in person, and a goodly number of them have become close offline friends who I was seeing on a regular basis, or was until the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic four years ago. The LTers I haven’t yet met in person are also important, but there is a special bond with the ones I have, especially since many of them are no longer active in LT.

I’m definitely guilty of bottling up my feelings and going into cocoon mode if I’m in an uncomfortable setting, i.e. people I don’t trust, or if I’m mentally fatigued or just want to be left alone. On the other hand if I am feeling comfortable or in the company of one or more people I trust I’m willing to express my emotions, thoughts and fears — and sometimes tears!

I’m glad that I was able to affect you positively. There’s a great chance we’ll get together soon, hopefully in May when my cousin returns to town. As I may have mentioned I have a membership to MoMA, so non-members who accompany me can purchase general admission tickets for $5.00, which is what Liz did when we met Sunday morning. We chose to go at 9:30 am because the museum is open to members only from 9:30 to 10:30 am. I had been a member for a number of years until 2022, after my father died, and I would often go to MoMA at 9:30 am. You didn’t need a watch to let you know when 10:30 am hit, as there was a literal tsunami of nonmembers who began coming it at that time!

I'm so glad you had a good weekend, Darryl. I was hoping that you would be able to relax and enjoy some of the finer things in life that resonate with you. Good art, good music, good food, good friends. Good for you!

>216 kidzdoc: Please do! And I'll certainly let you know the next time I make plans to go to the Philly area. There's been talk for some years of having a train stop placed in my town, and if & when that happens it will make it that much easier for me to travel to both places.

>217 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa! It was a great weekend, as I spent all day in The Met (Metropolitan Museum of Art), then met Liz (Eliz_M) and Jerry (rocketjk) to see the Harlem Renaissance exhibition on Saturday. Liz and I visited MoMA, the Museum of Modern Art, from mid morning until early afternoon, we had a great lunch in a nearby Afghan restaurant, and I met Jerry and his lovely wife at the Public Theater to see a very timely play, The Ally. We'll definitely get together soon in the city, hopefully in May or June.

>218 bell7: Sounds good, Mary! I hope that a train station (Amtrak, I presume?) is built in your town.

Glad you had a great weekend in NYC, Darryl. Any pics?

>219 kidzdoc: It sounds like you had a great, well-deserved mini-vacation. Take care.

>220 AlisonY: Thanks, Alison. I took plenty of photos of art work at The Met and MoMA, but not of Liz, Jerry or his wife, unfortunately. A dear friend of mine who used to live in Atlanta but who relocated to the Philadelphia area recently treated me to a nice lunch two weeks ago. The pair of pants I'm wearing was literally the only one that fit me at the time, or at least the only one that didn't make me look like an elderly man!



I still have a way to go, but I'm very pleased with a 35 lb weight loss in five months.

>221 BLBera: Thanks, Beth. It was a bit exhausting, and I definitely needed to catch up on sleep after I returned.
_______________________________________

I'm tearing my way through Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD, who, interestingly, is a close colleague of Kay Redfield Jamison, author of An Unquiet Mind, in the Department of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, with both of them specializing in mood disorders. I'll skip the sections that aren't directly relevant to me, so I may finish it as early as today. Both books will receive no less than 4½ stars from me. I'm also slowly working on Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate by Jor-El Caraballo, a licensed mental health counselor who trained at Columbia University in the City of New York, and I started reading The Heart: Frida Kahlo in Paris by Marc Petitjean, which covers the year (1939) she spent in Paris and began to receive international recognition for her work, although not as much as the previous year when she traveled to NYC.

Hopefully I'll catch up on everyone else's thread sometime this week!

>222 kidzdoc: Just catching up on your thread. I hope the break was refreshing. A 35lb weight loss in five months is nothing to sneeze at. Congratulations!

>223 rv1988: Thanks, Rasdhar!

>222 kidzdoc: 35lb weight loss is a fantastic achievement, Darryl. Well done! I'm glad you had a great weekend away - much needed.

>219 kidzdoc: That's the plan, for Amtrak to run the trains. The rail itself would be primarily in-state or stop at Albany, but at least one stop would be at a larger rail where I could connect to a different train. Still probably some years away, but I'd be very pleased to have a stop here and make traveling that much easier.

By the way, I didn't get to Moral Man and Immoral Society in March, but I'm still hopeful of getting to it soon. My time's running out on the library copy, so I've requested another one rather than rush through it.

>222 kidzdoc: What a wonderful picture. Congrats on your weight loss! No small feat especially with all the stress you have been under.

I was getting so much out of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families, 3rd edition, by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD, which I borrowed from our local library system, that I realized that it was a book for my personal library, both for myself and anyone else who may need to refer to it in the relatively high likelihood that I would suffer a relapse. With that in mind I ordered Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones, the 4th edition of this book, which was published in 2020; the 3rd edition was published in 2014. The structure is almost completely identical and the content seems to be very highly similar, and with that being said I have less than 100 pages to go and will likely finish it today.



I started reading The Details by Ia Genberg from this year's International Booker Prize longlist, which I'll probably finish by Friday. Reading An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families definitely rekindled my interest in reading, and hopefully I can sustain that from this point forward.

>225 AlisonY: Thanks, Alison! As of this morning I've lost 37.8 lb since November 1. My appetite hasn't been very good lately, and I've had frequent mild nausea for at least two weeks, so naturally I'm concerned that this weight loss may not be entirely beneficial. Fortunately I'll see my GP next week and express my concerns to him.

>226 bell7: I hope that proposed train service via Albany is eventually approved, Mary. I would guess that western Massachusetts is poorly served by public transit, although TBH I know more about England, the Netherlands and Spain and their transit systems than I do about MA outside of Boston, and anywhere else that isn't on or immediately surrounding the Northeast Corridor.

I did start reading Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic by Reinhold Niebuhr last month, but I didn't get far into it, as my reading was very unfocused, as I had several books going simultaneously but only finished An Unquiet Mind. I'm now much more focused, probably in part because the two new psych meds are at their therapeutic levels. It won't take me long to read Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic, so I should be able to start Moral Man and Immoral Society next month. If you decide to start it earlier please let me know, and I'll do my best to join you.

>227 figsfromthistle: Thanks, Anita! Undoubtedly some of that weight gain was stress related. However, I did have to buy several pairs of new pants, as the ones that I was wearing before my father's death were too large.

>229 kidzdoc: There are pockets that have good public transit (bus systems, primarily), but the suburban area where I live has limited service and it's pretty much essential to have a car to get around. The proposed places they'd have the train station would be much more convenient for me than driving into the city to take the train or even driving to outside of Boston and parking to take the T in.

I will keep you posted on the Reinhold Niebuhr when I start it! Given my current library stack and April dogsitting jobs, late this month or early next is likely, and I'll probably just try to read a chapter a day.

>230 bell7: That makes sense, Mary. The same could be said for the suburban county I live in; I live less than two miles from the border with Northeast Philadelphia, and there are several city bus lines that aren't that far from home (no more than two miles away), along with two commuter rail stations less than five miles away that these buses connect to. That isn't the case in the upper third of the county, 25-30 miles away in Quakertown, which has a Greyhound station that serves two buses a day but no other forms of public transportation as far as I know.

Yes, please do let me know when you start Moral Man and Immoral Society. Leaves from the Notebook of a Tamed Cynic precedes it in my Library of America edition Reinhold Niebuhr: Major Works on Religion and Politics, but it looks to be a very quick read, and one that isn't essential to starting Moral Man and Immoral Society. It may be helpful to read Why Niebuhr Matters first, so I'll try to get to that ASAP.

Book #4: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison



My rating:

Dr Kay Redfield Jamison is one of the world’s greatest authorities on mood disorders, particularly bipolar disorder, which was previously called manic-depressive illness or manic depression, and she is a tenured professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, after holding a similar position at UCLA, and an Honorary Professor of English at the University of St Andrews. She is a highly gifted writer who has published several superb books; I can recommend Exuberance: The Passion for Life, Nothing Was the Same: A Memoir, and Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. As if this wasn’t enough, there are two other things that make Dr Jamison even more remarkable: she is a clinical psychologist, not a psychiatrist, which is unusual in a medical school department, especially one with the reputation of Johns Hopkins, and she has suffered with bipolar disorder since she was a teenager.

In An Unquiet Mind, Dr Jamison describes her own difficulties as a sufferer of severe bipolar I (manic depressive) disorder and how she fought taking lithium for years before finally accepting that this highly effective medicine would provide her with the inner peace that she was long searching for, and how she somehow managed to be a highly effective clinician, and one who brought her own knowledge of the disorder to the table and allowed the trainees who worked under her to provide the best care for the patients who were treated at Hopkins, while conducting research and writing prolifically.

In addition to being a highly interesting story An Unquiet Mind is a page turner that I found nearly impossible to put down. I read it for the first time shortly after it was published in 1995, during my last year or two of medical school, and I knew that I would reread it again someday. I had no idea that I would be diagnosed with bipolar disorder this year, so it was an easy decision to borrow it from my local library system. It was just as good the second time around, and I’m certain that I’ll be reading more of Dr Jamison’s books in the coming months.

>232 kidzdoc: I read this probably not long after it was published also, but don't remember the context or details. (I've had stretches of crippling depression, but never the other extreme.) Thanks for the review. Is lithium still the standard treatment? I'm curious because I knew someone 40+ years ago who took lithium, also after initial resistance to the idea, and my impression is there's been such a proliferation of drugs developed since then, it'd be interesting if none are more effective. What does lithium do, chemically?

>233 qebo: You're welcome, Katherine. Lithium is still used for bipolar disorder, but it has largely been replaced by newer medications with greater safety profiles; I'm on valproic acid (Divalproex) and quetiapine (Seroquel). So, you're absolutely right.

I'll have to read the earlier chapters of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones; I received the fourth edition (published in 2020) yesterday, whereas I had read about medications in the second edition of the book, which was published in 2014. From what I know lithium has a different method of action that the newer medications, most of which act in the neuronal synapses; I think lithium works on magnesium within the cell bodies of the neurons, but I'll check this later today, when we return from our hair appointments.

Back to >233 qebo: What does lithium do, chemically?

I read the section about lithium in Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones, Fourth Edition, along with some journal articles about the proposed method of this essential element. According to this book, "Lithium has a modulating effect on serotonin circuits in the brain that are involved with impulsiveness and aggressiveness, and these are vulnerability factors that put persons with bipolar disorder at higher risk of suicide." Serotonin is one of the primary neurotransmitters at synaptic junctions that help to regulate mood, the sleep-wake cycle, and I'm sure you're awake that selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Lexapro (escitalopram), Prozac (fluoxetine) and Zoloft (sertraline) are widely prescribed for conditions such as major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bulimia disorder, and a host of other mood disorders. The fourth edition of this book seems to have more information about other mood stabilizers, including valproic acid (Depakote), which I'm currently taking, although far more space is dedicated to lithium than to any other mood stabilizer or antipsychotic medication.

Book #5: Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones, Fourth Edition by Francis Mark Mondimore, MD



My rating:

After I was diagnosed with severe bipolar I disorder with psychotic features in early February I knew that I would want to read as much about this condition as I could. I greatly appreciated reading about the life of Dr Kay Redfield Jamison in her fabulous book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, but I realized that my case was very different from hers. I was diagnosed in my early 60s, not at the age of 14, and even though I received the exact diagnosis she did my condition didn't seem to be anywhere near as bad as hers — or, at least I hoped not. This book, which ironically is written by a colleague of Dr Jamison's in the Department of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, was exactly what I needed. Reading it confirmed that the diagnosis I received was the correct one, with the possible minor exception that my case is "severe", and that took away the small concern I had that I had another condition that mimicked bipolar disorder.

I initially borrowed Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families, the 3rd edition of this book, from my county library system, but about halfway through I realized that this was a book that I needed to have on hand for frequent reference, especially in the early stages of this illness, and for use if I were to suffer a relapse, and others could use this book to help me in case of a manic, depressive or suicidal crisis.

The book is divided into several parts. In the first, Normal and Abnormal Mood, Dr Mondimore describes what makes the episodes of mania, hypomania and depression different, and far more worrisome, than the simple variations of mood that non-afflicted people experience. Reading this section allowed me to distinguish my normal thoughts from the very abnormal ones I had during my manic episodes and psychotic break. Next is a breakdown of the different types of bipolar disorder, and a history of bipolar disorder, with special mention given to the great German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin, the first physician to describe bipolar disorder, and the Australian psychiatrist John Cade, who discovered that lithium was an incredibly effective treatment for the disease.

Part II discusses the various treatments for bipolar disorder, including the large increase in effective medications for the condition, specifically mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, although cognitive behavioral therapy and brain-stimulation treatments are also mentioned. Part III discusses, to some degree, what causes bipolar disorder, which is far less known than the medications that can be beneficial. Part IV discusses bipolar disorder in children and women, and the role that alcohol use and abuse can play in worsening the condition. Part V is arguably the most important one of the book, as it emphasizes the importance of taking medications regularly — many people and certainly all medical students have seen someone in the midst of a manic episode, and it is a frightening thing to behold. This section also encourages those of us with bipolar disorder to build a support network, and find out what to do if you experience a crisis, and which emergency departments and hospitals will be covered by your insurance plan (I’ll start working on that this weekend!). Families of those with bipolar disorder should know to look at the end of this part, in order to help their loved one in a crisis. Finally, Part VI serves as a summary of where we’re at with bipolar disorder, and current research that may someday make this a condition that can be cured, rather than controlled.

Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for You & Your Loved Ones was an excellent follow up to An Unquiet Mind, and is essential reading for anyone who either has or knows someone with this disorder.

Hi Darryl! Glad you are doing well now that you are up to a therapeutic dose of meds. It's nice "hearing" your voice sound chipper. How is your mom adjusting to her new routine?

>233 qebo: My two cents: As with most medications, people with the same condition can react differently to a medication, so trial and error is often needed to find an effective combination while minimizing side effects. In my experience, with two family members with severe bipolar I and friends through the caregiver support group I belonged to, lithium is often highly effective and is still commonly prescribed, especially with severe cases. Usually it is taken in conjunction with a mood stabilizer. Lamotrigine is an older but common one, and there are many new ones too like vraylar, abilify, ketamine, and iloperidone. Side effects can be bad, like pseudo-Parkinsonism, so finding the right combo can be a long and frightening process, especially in children/young adults.

>237 labfs39: Thanks, Lisa. My mother doesn't like going to the adult daycare center, probably because I've spoiled her rotten by waiting on her hand and foot for over two years. She says that she doesn't like going there, but when I ask her why she says "I don't know," and I have no reason to believe that she isn't getting the best of care. Lately she's been spending much of her time sleeping on the couch that has become her bed since the day my father had his seizure that resulted in his death, which is something that the center won't let their clients do (which is a good thing, IMO). I've decided that my mental health is more important than her wish to be spoilt 24/7, so I'll take her there so that I can have more "me" time, as I did on Friday when I spent a few hours in our local library reading and gazing at the swollen Delaware River a few feet away. We had more rain in the first four days of April than we normally receive all month; I'm not complaining, mind you, especially in comparison to your horrible snowstorm.

That makes sense about the need to adjust medications in the first stages of bipolar disorder. After a severe panic attack in late February or early March my psychiatrist doubled my evening dose of valproate (Depakote), which certainly helped. I've taken several half tablets of quetiapine on an as needed for agitation or anxiety, either four or six, in the past two months. Overall I feel much better, as I've been free of manic episodes, hallucinations or disordered thinking, although I still battle with depression and, as my psychotherapist said this past Tuesday, a "passive death wish" to remove myself from this very unpleasant situation. Talking with others has been a huge help, as I've private conversations with three LT friends, along with others with a dear friend who recently returned from his retirement community in Florida to attend the funeral of his 97 year old mother.

>238 kidzdoc: It's hard to stand firm, but once the habit is established, it will become routine and your mother will adjust. How is the search for a good memory care facility going?

>239 RidgewayGirl: Right, Kay. I've decided that it's time for me to be more selfish, or, rather, more dedicated to my own self care, and self preservation.

I'm supposed to meet with an estate lawyer tomorrow morning, to get the process started on determining what I need to do financially to get her placed into a long term care facility. Unfortunately I waited until today to start this process, and for the life of me I can't find the email I was sent which indicated what paperwork I needed to prepare for the meeting. Arrgghhh!!!

Oh, well...at least I have more time to watch the Iowa-South Carolina NCAA women's basketball championship game. Caitlyn Clark scored 18 points in the first quarter.

>241 kidzdoc:
Meeting with an estate lawyer is so important. I am finding that out as things go on with my mother's death. I thought that we had things all done, but there are always nagging little details that appear when I least expect them - so phone calls abound.

I am glad that you are making decisions and moving things forward. I agree with Kay - your mother will adjust.

>241 kidzdoc: As it turns out I did find the email I was looking for late yesterday afternoon, which was in my Gmail Trash folder. I retrieved the documents I needed, and saw the eldercare lawyer this morning. She was very helpful, and I now have a roadmap of what things I need to do next. I feel as if at least part of a very heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

>242 benitastrnad: After this session with the estate lawyer I agree completely, Benita. Our main eldercare lawyer was helpful to a degree, but more in the sense of creating paperwork for my mother's will, power of attorney, etc.

My mother fought me tooth and nail about going to the adult daycare center this morning, and I blew up at her, as I needed to get her there and had allotted barely more than sufficient time to make it to the estate lawyer appointment (I arrived 7 minutes early). She is about to send me off the side of a cliff, so I'm more than eager to get the placement process started.

It doesn't help that I'm getting no help from anyone except my beloved cousin Tina. My mother's younger sister is a dyed in the wool Jehovah's Witness, and instead of offering to take some of the burden off of my shoulders she preaches ad nauseum for an hour or two about Jehovah and tries to get me to convert to her cult religion.

>243 kidzdoc: I guess that's the bright side of your mother's unwillingness to go to the center? It keeps you resolved to keep moving forward on finding a solution that allows you to regain some measure of control over your own life. While our situations are very different, having my father happy in a place just up the road means our relationship is better than it's ever been and I have all the patience I need to have long talks with him about the same two things several times a week. If he were living here, that would not be the case.

>244 RidgewayGirl:
I had a quiet grin with your reply. It is so upbeat. It is positive about both Daryl's and his mother's situation.
That is a rare talent.

>243 kidzdoc:
Just keep in mind that what you are doing is best for both of you. Keep slogging away at all the paperwork and tolerate the flair-ups. You will get through this.

I had another phone call from my sister today regarding my mother's electric bill at the house in Kansas. There is a problem with billing that we don't understand, so as soon as the bill arrives here I will have another phone call to make. The estate hasn't been settled yet, and the bill has been paid, so I don't understand why they are so anxious to get the bill sent to a different person than my mother. I have already had one go-round with them and told them that they were stalking. They got the names of my sisters and I from the obituaries in the local newspapers. When I asked if it was company policy to make a practice of reading the obituaries to ascertain who had died, and use that to track down survivors, the person told me that I didn't need to be sarcastic. I replied that I thought that tactic was dangerously close to stalking survivors, and seemed over-the-top to me. Then I was told that the USPS would stop delivering mail to the address. That made me laugh. The USPS has been delivering mail to my house for the last 12 years with the previous occupants name on it. As long as the mailbox is at the end of the driveway the rural mail carrier will put whatever is addressed to that address inside it. They have to. It's the law. They will stop delivery if the item is returned to them and properly marked, or when the mailbox is removed. A rural mailbox can only be removed after certain forms are filled out at the post office. It all seems an extravagant waste of time considering the account is not in arrears and the estate is not settled. So the nagging little things keep occurring. I am just glad I am retired and have the time to spend on hold when making the needed follow-up phone calls.

This year's shortlist for the 2024 International Booker Prize has just been announced:

Not a River by Selva Almada, translated by Annie McDermott
Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck, translated by Michael Hofmann
The Details by Ia Genberg, translated by Kira Josefsson
Mater 2-10 by Hwang Sok-yong, translated by Sora Kim-Russell and Youngjae Josephine Bae
What I’d Rather Not Think About by Jente Posthuma, translated by Sarah Timmer Harvey
Crooked Plow by Itamar Vieira Junior, translated by Johnny Lorenz

I'll finish The Details today, I just picked up a copy of What I'd Rather Not Think About from the library yesterday, and I have a copy of Kairos on my Kindle, so there's a remote chance that I can finish the shortlist before the winner is announced on May 21st, depending on their availability in the US.

Six ‘implicitly optimistic’ novels make the International Booker prize shortlist

>244 RidgewayGirl: I suppose that if my mental health was better I could have a better view about my mother's intransigence. However, I was quite angry and bitter about the whole thing, knowing that I'm going to have to deal with this every day starting tomorrow. I would rather avoid taking a dose of Seroquel in the morning to help me deal with her refusal, as we both grew very angry with each other, so I'll have to find some other coping techniques, especially since it will likely be some time (weeks? months?) before she is placed. So, to be hones, there is no bright side about this situation, at least in terms of going to the adult daycare center.

The estate lawyer did mention another program that might be better suited to clients with dementia, rather than ones with longstanding mental retardation, as her current center seems to have. However, I think the main problem is that my mother wants to stay home and either sleep all day or have me drive her on trips; her first name is Mittie, although most people call her by her middle name, Jean, and several people have described me as the chauffeur in a movie titled "Driving Miss Mittie."

>245 benitastrnad: I wish I could be upbeat, but I can't at the moment. This probably sounds whiny, but I feel attached to my mother with a ball and chain (leg irons) most of the time, a situation that has become intolerable. That's why I become so bitter when she gives me so much grief about freeing myself for a few hours at a time; I realize that her dementia is causing her to act this way, but that doesn't make it any easier to tolerate.

I had another phone call from my sister today regarding my mother's electric bill at the house in Kansas. There is a problem with billing that we don't understand, so as soon as the bill arrives here I will have another phone call to make.

Argh. They don't make it easier for you, do they?

My brother who had the patience of Job, gave up his job and took my mother into his home when she was ill with cancer. His aim was for her to die there and he set up a room for her. She was v agreeable and not demanding, but as her health deteriorated she became completely incontinent . He world just finish bathing her and putting on new sheets and clothes and she’d soil them again. He understood it was beyond her control, but nevertheless one day he became angry at her.

The day he became angry with her he knew he had to put her to hospice. He didn’t want to remember her last days as being angry.

I know you know already you are doing the right thing. Anger is not good for anyone.

>248 kjuliff: Anger is not good for anyone.

Right, Kate. I can't be angry at my mother, as she didn't want this for herself, or me, and is embarrassed at her incontinence (although, to be fair, she almost never has stool incontinence). Your brother went through more than I've had to, and maybe I could have persisted for longer if I didn't have a severe nervous breakdown in February, or had support from my brother or aunt, my mother's younger sister, who talks repeatedly about moving from Texas back here to help out but never takes any action to do so. Actually, now that I've decided to place my mother in a long term care facility the last thing I need is to become the primary caregiver for my aunt, who was unable to bear children and is incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't know who her power of attorney is but it isn't ― and won't be ― me; I think I've done more than enough already.

>237 labfs39: My only experience with prescribed medication for depression was in my late teens, and I don't remember its name but I remember my strong negative reaction: I didn't feel depressed, but I didn't feel anything else either, as if I were cardboard. It was really freaky, and the choice I was given was this or nothing. So I resisted any suggestion of medication for decades afterward, which was probably a mistake. The thing that worked for me was non-prescription SAM-e. Anyway, completely get the need to adjust for individuals, just out of the loop on modern options.

>244 RidgewayGirl: At my most recent visit to my mother, I spent an hour on a pair of slippers and a pair of sneakers that she had removed from a drawer but didn't remember why. I surmised that they might not fit? She thought this sounded right, so I suggested we could try them. She put on the slippers and walked across the room and couldn't decide, so I said let's keep them just in case and returned them to the drawer but then she couldn't see them so kept asking where they were. She put on the sneakers and they were too tight because she's wearing thicker socks to keep her feet warmer, so I set them aside to take away. At the end of this session, she was satisfied because it had been productive, and I was drained. And this was a good visit, because she was reasonably coherent and focused. Often I am unable to figure out what she is asking me to do, or what she is agitated about. She used to discuss philosophy, and management, and books. Now it's slippers.

>245 benitastrnad: Utilities are the worst, with maybe the exception of Social Security. When we were getting my mother moved out of the townhouse and into an apartment, within the same retirement community so you'd think it'd be simpler, I had to physically go there so I could call on her landline which was the number on record, and have her there in the room so she could get on the phone and verify that I was speaking on her behalf, which really was ridiculous because she could've been anyone. Social Security insisted on speaking directly to my mother (with dementia!) because they don't accept power of attorney, wouldn't answer my questions about benefits because I wasn't her (I was asking about the general rules, not anything personal), needed proof that my parents had been married so my mother could receive higher benefits after my father's death (separate benefits going to the same bank account for 25 years not proof; joint tax returns at the same address for 60+ years not proof because that's a different department), and mangled the marriage license (which fortunately my mother had in file drawer) because this was during COVID and I had to mail it to the local office (an electronic scan was not sufficient) and whoever opened the envelope was careless with a knife.

>238 kidzdoc: My mother complained about the skilled care unit for... months? years? still but to a lesser degree, even though she asked to be placed there before my brothers and I thought it was necessary. She was used to having my father anticipate whatever she needed, and after his stroke began to enlist us instead, but we were 40-45 years removed and rusty, though we still have some of the buttons installed in childhood. The adjustment to skilled care involved a lot of advocacy, explanations to staff, reassurances to her, sorting through what could feasibly change and what she'd have to accept.

>243 kidzdoc:, >247 kidzdoc: You posted on FB that you feel guilty, but to everyone else you look superhuman. You have been doing the work of a dozen people for two years! I suppose you've been unable to deal with the bureaucratic and legal steps because you haven't been able to leave the house, along with your hesitation to place your mother in institutional care. You are taking care of your mother with utmost responsibility. She'll probably have initial difficulty with the change, but then she'll have a dozen people, and you too. I imagine your relationship will improve if you aren't constantly battling tasks of daily living.

>250 qebo:
Your post regarding the endless paperwork of helping an aging parent or one who has died made me smile. This is exactly the kind of thing I encountered in that phone call to the electric company. My brother-in-law works for social security so he was able to help us negotiate that complex system. What irritated me so much that I got angry with them was that we owe them no money, but they still insisted on changing the name on the account (we are not sure which of us is going to have final authority, at this point). Then they threatened that the USPS would stop delivering mail. (They won't. It is a rural mailbox, and until the mailbox is removed, they will deliver mail to that address no matter what name is on the mail. - Confirmed that with the local postmaster.) It was ugly and upsetting.

>248 kjuliff:
I didn't want to remember my mother's last days as me being angry or she being frustrated. We both failed. Hospice would have helped but wasn't an option at that point. I had just started the paperwork to get them involved because the I needed help with the physical part of caring for her. Turning her in bed, changing her, showers, etc. etc. I was too slow in calling in Hospice. Hospice in rural areas such as ours would have only been for 4 hours twice a week, but it would have helped.

>247 kidzdoc: Darryl, we see similar behaviour from my mother in the care home in which she is now living. She will not do anything that involves taking herself out of her normal routine, even so far as to go to something taking place in the lounge, just up the corridor from her room. I've tried and tried to persuade her that she would be happier if she went to some of the events that are held in her home, and so have the care staff, but she will not go. She also can't explain to me why she doesn't want to go. I think it's a gradual withdrawal from everything even slightly unfamiliar, associated with the dementia.

>252 SandDune: My mother spent about a year in her room, wouldn't even venture out for meals so food had to be delivered. She was clearly depressed, understandably so, but isolation made it worse. Gradually staff persuaded her to sit on the periphery of activities, and now she's always out there, though she rarely participates.

I rarely leave my room in my apartment as I need help in going out. I would absolutely hate it if friends and family pushed me to join in activities with a group of strangers. I’ve been to rehab after hospital visits and have no desire to sit around playing Checkers with Beatles music playing in the background.

>254 kjuliff: As an extreme introvert, I'd have the same reaction. OTOH, I have 1000 things I can do at home, including all sorts of projects and social interaction by typing. My mother sat in her room, couldn't read books because her eyesight is poor, was afraid of the e-reader, was afraid to use the audio reader (which was eventually removed as it made her anxious), was afraid to turn on the TV because what if she couldn't find the button to turn it off, rejected offers to play music because the surrounding noise was too distracting. So she brooded and fixated on anxieties.

Thanks for your wise and supportive comments, Katherine, Benita, Rhian, and Kate. Please forgive me, but reading them in my current frame of mind is quite depressing, so I think I'll move on to a new thread, although any advice you give me is still greatly appreciated!

I finished my first book from this year's International Booker Prize shortlist, The Details by Ia Genberg, translated by Kira Jossefson, which I found more ethereal than concrete, but an enjoyable read nonetheless. I'll "review" it in the new thread.

Belated birthday wishes Darryl. I'm glad you enjoyed your weekend. So glad Tina could spell you.

>257 Caroline_McElwee: Thanks, Caroline. It was a very special weekend, thanks to Tina, Liz, Jerry and his wife.